True Story: I was addicted to exercise.

Standard

Dear facebookers,

If you insist on updating you status every 5 minutes, please please please put something interesting at least ONCE in a while.

remove from news feed? yes.

I do not care that you are:

– Super sleepy today
– Watching TV
– Driving to Work
– Sitting at my Desk
– Dealing with a headache
– Missing my sweetheart

And probably 99% of the other mundane bs you put up there. I think more of you should start lying in your status updates. Keep it interesting:

“Woah, waking up with a sore butt and no memory of last night is a CRAZY was to start a Wednesday.”

“I just punched my mom. WHAT”

“I just met Ryan Reynolds. HE GAVE ME HIS NUMBER!! AHH”

I feel that I may be less inclined to block you from my news feed, and may even comment on your shit if you started lying. Just sayin’.

yes. yes. yes.

Thanks,

Bee

Sports and physical activity help me be less of a bitch.

I will not.

Seriously.

Over my lifetime I have been involved in many different sports/activities/whathaveyou. And I like to think that this involvement has helped keep my bitchiness, anxiety, depression, etc (insert any bad feelings one may experience over 26 years of living) in check.

Growing up I played basketball, softball, and have always been involved in dance. (<– that was my favorite, BY FAR). Once I entered high school I decided to try running, and went out for the cross-country team. While I was NOT a good runner by any means going into freshman year, I found that I did in fact love running, and the girls on the team were awesome! Some of my best memories in hs are with the CC team 🙂

Yes, we do run for fun. Thanks for asking.

In college, well I did pretty much NO activity in college, other than fill my PE requirement with a “yoga” class that we did not take seriously, and a dance class that was a breeze. Did I mention I chained smoked in college? Yeah I know…gross!! I’ll discuss college life more in another post soon!

Post college I fell back in love with running. I also got very into interval training, boxing, found crossfit, and finally found Bikram Yoga (<– my current love. I need a date…pronto!)

 

That is obviously EXACTLY what I look like when I box. Duh.

Each activity served as a challenge as well as a release for me. Stressful day? Go punch it out at boxing! Too much shit on my mind? Go for a long run and think it out. Obsessing over something stupid? Go do a yoga class to clear your mind. Each sport has served as a great way for me to overcome emotional baggage in my life.

nothing like 6am WODs at crossfit...

But at what point does a love of exercise become an obsession?

There was absolutely a point, and not that long ago, where I was an exercise-addict. I was absolutely insane about it. If I missed a workout, I was anxious and irritable and would find a way to fit in another hour in the next days workout. It was NOT FUN.

Was I the “thinnest” I’ve ever been? Yeah, sure. Was I happy? Hell no!

Exercise became a means of control for me. I was spending 2 hours a day working out, and the other hours thinking about working out, planning the workout, and scheduling my social life (what little I had) around my workout. It was exhausting. Seriously, I was tired ALL THE TIME. I was eating about 2500 calories a day so that I had the energy to perform well at each workout, but that was not nearly enough and my body weight was way too low, and my energy levels blew.

But I am le tired.

Last October a family member of mine went through a very serious crisis and I was asked to take them in while they got back on their feet. I knew I had a problem when my first thought was “how will I fit my workouts in if someone is living here? I can’t do a 5 am workout with someone sleeping upstairs…” That was the turning point for me. Was that seriously what I was worried about? What was WRONG with me? I felt horrible, ashamed. I knew right then and there I had a problem.


While the circumstances that caused this realization were horrible, it opened my eyes to the important things in life. Friends, family, relationships. All of these things are more important than running a 6 minute mile or getting in a killer kettle bell workout.

Today, after seeing that family member turn their life around for the better (and they are happily back at their home now), I have a much healthier outlook on exercise, and life in general. I will always believe in the importance of physical activity, but now I understand that it is merely ONE part of the life puzzle. As you know I am currently in a 30 day Bikram Challenge (Day 18, score!), so that is the majority of my workout “regimen” as of late. 90 minutes a day is enough for me, thank you very much! However, normally I try to get 3 sessions of cardio and 2-3 sessions of interval style workouts involving weights/body-weight movements. And if that doesn’t happen one week, I don’t worry. There is enough to worry about. Not hitting the gym one day is not on the top of my list. My friends, family, and overall happiness are!!

My sister, me, and the diva Penny

Have you ever dealt with an exercise addiction? Do you still currently?

When did you realize you had an obsession?

Advertisements

Survivng Your First Bikram Session

Standard

When I suggest coming to Bikram to some people, I get this response:

what are you, crazy?

Others, however, often want to try it, and ask many questions about what to expect.

So, here are a few tips (they are actually tips, only a sprinkle of sarcasm here and there) for anyone who is going to try Bikram Yoga.

First, you kick ass. Bikram yoga is for badasses.

Obviously, I mean, I do it. Duh.

Second, HYDRATE HYDRATE HYDRATE.

I bet that was coconut water in the Boot...

I can’t emphasize that enough. If you go into your first (or any) Bikram class and you haven’t drank A LOT of water, well you are going to hate your life. And want to die.

 

It's a little warm in here, no?

You are sweating profusely for 90 minutes, make sure your body is equipped to do that without passing out. I drink water and put a little bit of Mio (yeah yeah artificial sweeteners are the devil, blah blah), all day long. A lot of people drink Coconut water or electrolyte infused drinks to get more electrolytes/salt/etc. Whatever you need to do to get yourself hydrated, just do it. Trust me, you’ll thank me later.

Third, do NOT compare yourself to others. On any level.

 

Do.Not.Do.It.

Let me elaborate. People of EVERY size do bikram yoga. I kid you not. There is a woman in my class who must be 250+ pounds. And she kicks butt. There is also a man in there who I am convinced has an ED because I can count every single one of his ribs and vertebrae and fit my fist in between each. Poor guy. Some people wear pants and shirts, some people wear bathing suits, some people wear shorts only. You will see a lot of skin. Some “hot” bodies (whatever that means) and some “not so hot” bodies. Who cares. Don’t go in there self conscious and worried about someone seeing your fat roll or cellulite or stretch marks or whatever else society has told you to be ashamed of. I assure you, once you get into the flow of class you won’t care that you have a dimple in your thigh.

omg EVERYONE is looking at me. No. They're not.

Also, do not compare you practice to the people around you. Everyone’s body is built differently, joints/muscles/etc. Some people are naturally flexible, others are not. Some have sustained serious injuries (a lot of people with back problems turn to Bikram for healing purposes), and some people have been practicing yoga for decades. You will only mind fuck yourself if you start thinking shit like “oh, but look at that old lady hitting standing head to knee. Why can’t I do that, if some old lady can, I must suck if I can’t!” Shutup. Stop. You will get there eventually with regular practice, and if you don’t…who cares. As long as you commit to the pose and try 100%, you get 100% benefit. I assure you your life will not change if you can hold in a Bikram posture.

Fourth, don’t think. Seriously, go brain dead.

No thinking?! DONE.

Do not let any thoughts other than “breath” into your head. Need to go grocery shopping after class? Who cares. Trying to count how many calories you’ve eaten today? OMG, Punch yourself in the face. And then get back to your breath.

Yeah, that'll teach ya.

All you need to do is:

A) Breath

B) Follow the teachers instructions.

End of story.

If you commit to the breath, postures will be 100% easier, you will leave with total mental clarity, and you will get so much more out of the class. We worry about dumb shit ALL DAY LONG. Bikram is a 90 minute escape from the bs of the world. Take advantage of that. Plus, try doing bow pose and thinking about other things.

why yes that IS me. well, no.

Good luck. (but don’t really, that isn’t a challenge. Just be brain dead!)

Fifth, Stay in the room. You may get a sudden urge to run out of the room screaming, huffing for air, flailing your arms around. Or maybe you go a little nuts and want to run out, stop drop and roll.

Muahaha. <-- what?!

Don’t. I assure you that you CAN stay in the room for 90 minutes and you will be ok. You will not ignite into flames. You’ll in fact, probably feel a lot better. It is a mental challenge more than anything else. Telling your mind to stop freaking out, and as I mentioned BREATH. Lay down, breath, regroup, and rejoin the postures. You can do it. I promise.

And finally, COME BACK ASAP.

You may have spent 99% of the class in dead body pose (<–hehe yeah thats the legit name of the pose), but you came, you stayed in the room, and you ARE a badass. To really understand and experience the benefits. Go back the next day. You’ll thank me for this.

Have you tried Bikram or hot yoga before?

To all the runners, do you find that yoga helps with your training? Or are you skeptical of its benefits? 

Connecticut is for gangsters.

Standard

Dear Whisper-ers,

Shhhhhhhhhhh…..ut the f*ck up!

stfu

Nothing is more obnoxious and creepy than whispering. Please just say it out loud if you need to tell me something. No need to get your mouth (and horrible breath) all up in my face and blow/spit/huskily say something IN my ear. The great thing about ears these days is that they can hear, even from a normal-amount-of-personal space distance away.

“Hey Wanna Play Telephone?” HELL NO.

Worst game ever.

Also, the only thing worse than whispering is the guy (or gal) who THINKS they are whispering but in fact are just SCREAMING in a whispering manner. I hate the loud whisperer more than anything. (Well no, not more than camel toes and muffin tops. But believe me, IT IS CLOSE).

So in closing, use your voice and stay out of people’s ears.

Sincerely,

Bee 

So on my way into work this morning I saw this…

fo' life, yo.

It’s a crappy cell phone picture, but I promise you his vest says “Hells Angels Connecticut”

Um…WHAT?! We have bike gangs…in CT? Shit. I don’t really understand what there is to fight about here…maybe they throw down over our Yankees vs. Red Sox never-ending rivalry? Or perhaps they fight about who has the better beach house. Either way, watch out CT, we have hardened biker gangs. Represent.

Moving on, I had a bad yoga session last night. Yes, it happens. I think most of you know the craptastic feeling when you are just not into your workout or practice. I don’t know what was going on, but I was just not mentally there. In Bikram you really lose your thoughts and have to focus on: breath first (to not die in the heat) and the posture second. My mind was ALL OVER THE PLACE. I couldn’t focus.

I performed each pose but my heart and head were not feeling it, and I was just going through the motions. I was legit annoyed with the teacher when I thought the posture was going too long/I didn’t like the dialogue between sets/postures. I was a total bitchy bee in my head. I am not proud of it. I left feeling kind of defeated. I hate when I know I could have done something better.

But then I was like…ummm quit bitching, there are larger problems in the world than one bad yoga session. I smacked myself, perked up, and headed out to see Crazy Stupid Love with my Grandma Rose.

LOVED IT. I highly recommend this move to everyone. Young, old, male, female. It was awesome. Not only do you see Ryan Gosling shirtless:

Please can i have your babies?

But the entire plot, character development, humor, and drama are played out perfectly. Three thumbs up from Bee. Wtf? I don’t know I’m tired, I was up until nearly midnight. Yeah, that IS late for me, what about it?! Don’t mess with me, I’m from CT…we have gangs.

Also, when I was getting ready this morning, I realized the bathrobe I wear is 8 years old. Yeah, I got it at the end of my senior year of HS to bring to college. It is pink and has pink lady bugs on it. It’s horribly worn out, and I should really get a new one. But I won’t.

Wait until Ryan sees this, no way he can resist that sexy smile.

Ok, I admit that was random. I told you I was tired!

Has anyone else seen Crazy Stupid Love?

What movies do you look forward to seeing this summer/fall?
– The Help, New Years Eve, The Change-Up, Horrible Bosses, and I’m sure there are more!

Half way there!

Standard

Dear everyone,

Sometimes lying is OK. You will not be shunned and sent immediately to hell if you tell a lie. Sometimes a lie is way better than the truth. Observe:

– Does this make my butt look big?

No, you look so tiny in that!

– How adorable is my baby?!

Oh my god, SO adorable!

– Can I get your phone number?

Of course! Def call me: 212-479-7990

Ladies (and gents too) ^ ^ ^ That number is one you want to commit to memory! Dial it, now, and you’re welcome. Rejection hot line? Yep! If some DB (please figure out that acronym), asks for my number and I really can’t stand him, I provide him with that gem of a number. Score!

So you see, lying is ok.

Love always,

Bee

Today is day 15 of the 30-Day Challenges! Woot woot! (Stop judging, me, cool kids say woot).

So I thought that I would recap a few highlights so far.

No Booze:

– I have not been hungover. This is fabulous. I’m pretty sure 99.9% of you know what a hangover feels like. So this is a pretty sweet perk of not binge drinking like I have been known to do.

– I have not been tricked by any Beer Goggles. Those shits are DANGER-US. I swear people look approximately 87.5% cuter when you are intoxicated.  My hotness radar is in perfect working condition now.

What are you talking about guys? He is H.O.T.!!!

– No weird food cravings/Drunken Binge Fests

Sometimes when I’m…well when I’m shitfaced, I crave CRAP. Sober I usually eat foods that are good for me (and taste good, sorry I’m not forcing down brussel sprouts because everyone says they’re GREAT for me. They taste like farts and I want nothing to do with them). But while intoxicated I have a sweet tooth! Oh and I can eat an entire pizza if given the opportunity. [Ok I could do this sober too, but have more self-control and only eat HALF when sober…]

– I remember everything.

– I have saved some cash-money yo. Watch out! White chick trying to sound ghetto. Move Ova! But yeah drinks in CT are like $8 a pop at a bar. So I’m saving like $800 a night. Because clearly I consume 100 rum and cokes per escapade.

Yes, I do add coke to the rum. The proper ration of Rum to coke is 5:1. Fact.

On a side not, I don’t dress like that on the regular. That was Halloween, I was a fly girl. If you’re 16 years old you have no clue what that is, but for everyone who remembers In Living Color, you understand. I really just decided to be that so I had an excuse to bust moves all night long.

Bikram Yoga:
While I have been practicing Bikram regularly, this is the first time I am committing to doing it EVERY day, consecutively. So far, its been amazing. I do have some muscle/back pain in Half Moon Pose right now, but I think that is from pushing too far in the posture. Sometimes being hyper-flexible can work against you.

But in general, WOAH. (<– Insert Joey Lawrence voice here).

I feel like I’m on crack. (Note, I don’t nor have I ever done crack, but I’m assuming it must feel pretty good for it to be so popular, right?)

I am full of energy and sleeping like a rock at night.

I am conquering the one pose that I HATED pre-challenge.

Don't be fooled. You WILL want to die during this posture.

Triangle pose, you tricky little bastard you. By looking at the picture this pose seems pretty simple, right? Wrong. It take place right about 30-40 minutes into class (remember 104 degrees), when you are SWEATY as hell, and it utilizes every muscle of the body.

The teacher tells you to “reach up to sky, reach down to the floor.” Um, make up your mind already.“Hips forward, upper body back” I’m going to fall over. End of Story.

But about day 10 of the Challenge I figured out that if I just relax, actually listen to the advice of my teachers, and BREATH, I could do a full out, not ridiculous looking, Triangle Pose without falling over/slipping out. Win.

Also, while it has been HOT, I am really enjoying the summer classes. I feel that it allows for deeper stretches and is a little bit of an extra mental challenge.

Vegetarian:
This is going well, however my lack of culinary expertise (HUGE understatement right there), has me eating a lot of the same things several days a week. I am a regular at Subway (veggie subs + avocado anyone?), I think the Grocery Store orders oatbran for me and only me at this point “shit she’s coming again, restock! restock!,” and veggie burgers are my best friends.

Busted!

I am doing my best to get fruits/veggies in each day. I like fruit in morning oatbran, so that’s easy, and I include some sort of veggie in my lunch/dinner. But as the HILARIOUS Eden discusses in this GENIUS POST, I am not housing veggies/trying to consume my weight in them. That’s gross and not something I really want to do.

And um, anyone ever been in a yoga class? I have, and I am willing to bet that old dude in the corner who farts in nearly EVERY pose is chowing down on a few too many veggies before class. No.Thank.You. I will fart when I want, where I want, thank you. (Plus, girls don’t fart right? HA.)

See? I told you.

One important thing to note is that while practicing Bikram, it is really important to stay hydrated and get enough electrolytes and salt (You’re sweating your balls off for 90 minutes a day, everyday. Duh.)

I am drinking a lot more water than I usually do, so I have to pee ALL THE TIME, but I think it really helps because I haven’t passed out/died in class yet. And that’s a success in my book.

Um, wtf, no one gives me a sticker or marks a chart when I go on the potty. Assholes.

So here’s to 15 more days! WOOT WOOT! (see I told you cool kids say woot.)

The three B’s: Babies, butts, boning.

Standard

Dear rape vans,

Get a little more creative. I can’t imagine that “Free Candy” is cutting it these days.

Lame.

I mean, maybe if you said “Free Diamonds” or “Free trip to Cancun!” you might get some attention/visitors. But come on, bro, candy? LAME.

Love, Bee

Yesterday was pretty kick ass. I saw one of my best friends, had an amazing yoga session, and hung out at my sisters before doing stupid grown-upy things like grocery shopping and putting away laundry.

So, as I just mentioned, I got to see one of my best friends from high school, her awesome fiancé (they’ve been together since Sophomore year of college, he’s a great guy, we all approve), and their two adorable munchinks, 5 years old and 8 months. I LOVE babies. But more importantly, I love babies that are not mine.

I got to thinking, it is a much better deal to be an aunt/let your friends pop out a bunch of babies than to have kids of your own.

I have two arguments as to why. They’re simple, but pretty damn solid:

1. When they cry, I get to give them back.

This thing is mocking me!

2. My ass is the only ass I have to wipe.

That pretty much sums it up.

I considered running this morning. The end.

Not today, my friend. Not today.

Then I got ready for work after hitting the snooze button. Today my hair looks like that of a 40 year old tight-ass. Fail.

what IS that?

In other news, I am looking forward to tomorrow night because me and GRose are going to the movies to see Crazy,Stupid Love. SCORE! It looks awesome. And I totally want to bone Ryan Gosling.

Marry me?

Also, I saw THIS over the weekend.

Uh...why?

I want to specifically point out that I do NOT want to bone the owner of that gem.

So to reiterate my bone list:

Ryan Gosling: Yes

Driver (who I can only assume looks just like Dog the Bounty Hunter): NO.

What, you no likely the mullet?

Questions:

How was your weekend?

Awesome, duh.

Did you get any good runs/workouts in? Are you a morning person?

– Two sweaty and amazing yoga sessions. Wicked small classes so it was fun to get one on one attention/pointers from the teachers.

Happy Monday, Bitches! 🙂

8 Simple Rules for Online Dating Success

Standard

Today I’d like to share some VERY useful advice for everyone brave enough to venture into the online dating scene. I myself have had the experience of “blind” dates formed from online dating websites. * GASP * OMG this girl just admitted to using a dating service.

Yeah, I know. Whatever, bite me. But not really, I love you. I think.

So here are 8 simple rules to building a successful online dating profile. (Sarcasm included, no additional charge).

Dear Single Ladies/Gents,

Expert advice on how to successfully create an online-dating profile.

1.    Make sure you write A LOT about dumb shit that no one cares about. Especially really cliché stuff like walks on the beach, and candlelight dinners. People looooove to read about crap like that because it shares a lot about who YOU really are.

(Who remembers this bit from Mad TV?)

2.    Make sure you write an awkward amount about why your last relationship failed. It is always best to make sure 99% of your conversations revolve around an ex girlfriend or boyfriend.

NEXT!

3.    Be sure to include all of the obvious qualities you don’t want in a mate. “No Drama. No baby mommas/daddies. No bull-shitters. No liars. No fakes.” Because otherwise, potential daters may get confused as to what you DO want. I mean, some people love fake liars. Don’t want to send mixed signals.
4.    Be sure to post a ton of really * cool * pictures. ESPECIALLY duck face pictures. Because, come on, everyone loves that face.

How YOU doin'?

Hey, wanna make out?!

5.    Also include really awesome MySpace-esque photos that make you look super mysterious and deep. Also, make sure to never include any shots of your body because god forbid anyone know what you actually look like.

6.    Include photos of when you were at your cutest. To hell with showing people what you actually look like. That’s highly overrated. And plus, everyone wants to be surprised with an entirely different person than who they expected when you finally meet.

think they'll notice this is from a * few * years ago?...

(P.S. that is NOT me^)

7.    Look as sexy as possible in all photos. Sex sells.

Heeeeeey

Um, did I just put that on the internet?...

8.    Use horrible grammar. I mean “grammer.” It shows your intelligence when you use super awesome slang like “u” and “holla atch boy” and “get wich you” and such. And always, always be sure to use the wrong form of “they’re” “there” and “their.” That one is key.

There you have it. 8 Simples rules to building a successful online profile. You’ll be married in no time.

You’re welcome.

Love,
Bee

Camel Toes = NO.

Standard

A little advice for all you ladies who love spandex that is just a litttttttle bit too tight.

Dear [you know who you are],

“Fix yo’self, guuuuurl, you got a camel toe!”

I am all about the comfort and performance of working out in spandex gear. Heck I can’t imagine doing Bikram in cotton, gag, but let’s be responsible.

If your clothes are “creepin’ up the front” or causing a “frontal wedgie” PICK IT! CHANGE! MOVE ON! I don’t particularly enjoy seeing your crotch. Thanks!

Also, camel toes are 100% allowed if it is in the form of a Halloween costume “Joe Camille Toe”

Is it odd that I really really want to convince one of my guy friends to wear this for Halloween this year?! Because I do.

But I digress…

Camel Toe = NO

End of story. 

Love,

Bee

(p.s. sweet quoted lines regarding camel toes are from Fanny Pack’s song “Camel Toe” High-Larry-Us).

In other news, I think that I am [already] going to change plans about the half. I woke up this morning, with plans of doing an easy 3 to stick to the training program. And I had this hoooorible feeling of dread about running. I was basically bargaining with myself to get out there. I 100% did NOT want to run.

So I got to thinking. Why am I doing this? And I think it is just to prove to myself that I still got it even after all the physical therapy/injuries/etc. That’s dumb.

So after much back and forth with myself, I came to the conclusion that a race is not a good thing for me right now. If it’s still week ONE and I’m dreading a run…um there is no fucking way I’ll make it 12 weeks and retain any sanity.

Running is something I used to love, and I don’t want to fuck that up forcing myself to stick to some program. Recognizing that you are an OCD freak and not doing something that feeds that is an accomplishment in my book. Cheers to that!

Not yet…not yet…

T-minus…18 days. 😉 I seriously kind of like not drinking last weekend/last night. I wake up feeling productive, not like hugging the porcelain throne. Winning.

Also, I consider Bikram to be my priority when it comes to physical/mental activity and scheduling a running program in around it is just…well it’s a bitch. So, I’m not so sorry to say that I will be running for fun now. Not training.

Questions:

Do camel toes bother you?

-Hell yes, I just want to be like “how do you not feel your pants IN there?!”

What pet peeves do you have about workout clothing?

-Sometimes I hate when I see girls in the air-conditioned gym in just their sports bras. Is that really necessary? But in reality I’m just a bitch and know they look hotter than me, so naturally I hate on ’em. Duh.

– I also HATE when girls show up at the gym at 5am with their hair “did” and make up on. I want to punchasize their face, fo free. (Super Troopers reference anyone? love that ‘effin movie).