Category Archives: Uncategorized

Busy.

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My only advice for everyone today is,

Win the lottery so you don’t have to work at a “real” job!

But, uh, win a lottery that doesn't pay out $1's...

Seriously, that’s EXPERT advice.

Love,
Bee

Crazy day at work, so I will just leave you with the following age-old question to ponder for now until I have time to write later…

You can pick your friends.
You can pick your nose.


Why can’t you pick your friend’s nose?

Uh...this picture is why. Gross.

 

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Terrible Date Tuesday: The Ditch!

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Dear Magnum “Ice Cream Bars”,

Really?? Really??

Magnum? For Please Seekers?!...uh...

Surely I am not the only one with a dirty mind who has a problem with this.

Sincerely,

Bee

One of my very best friends in the world, Tizzle (yeah, that is her gangster name, thanks for asking) suggested that I share some dating horror stories on my blog. Because, well, as a self admitted serial Horrible-First-Dater, I have a lot of stories to share. So once in a while on Tuesdays I will share some of these disasters.

I am going to write out a brief dialogue for you, to share the date known as: The Ditch
(Please note, my  thoughts will be in Blue, what was actually said, in Black).

I will be “B” for Bee, the date will be “D” for Dick. Simple enough.

Story of my life.

Scene: Patio outside at a local bar

D: Bee?
B: Yes, hi nice to meet you D.
D: Have you been waiting long?
B: No, no, just a few minutes. Or like 15 minutes…
D: Phew, I am SO glad you didn’t show up some fatty! I can’t tell you how man girls show up WAY fatter than their pics.
Um..dude..you are LARGE. Much larger than your profile would lead one to believe. Glass house? Rocks? No? Maybe he is trying to break the ice about being 30 lbs heavier than his pictures?..Maybe?
B: Ha..ha..Yep, I guess I am not a fatty. Lucky you?
D: Oh man, let me tell you what I do when that happens!

at this point D takes ANOTHER shot and finishes his beer.
(Ok he is serious…not breaking the ice. He is in fact a tool.)
D: When the fatties have to go use the rest room, I wait until they’re out of sight, and I DITCH ‘EM! hahahaha. Yep, just up and leave. Bar tab and all, usually. Hahaha.
B: um…is this guy for real…? wtf…Ha ha ?
D: Blah blah blah, I like George Bush, blah blah, kids are stupid, blah blah, I drive a BMW, blah blah. Ladies love me, blah blah blah (<– pretty much word for word what came out of D’s mouth for the next 30-40 minutes)
B: (Smiles and nods. Zones out. Thinking of clever way to fake an emergency and leave)
D: Oh man, Bee I have to PISS.
B: Seriously, dude? did you have to say it like that? Ok.
D: Now, har har har, don’t ditch me when I’m in there!
B: Ha, ha, don’t be silly. I’ll be here. HELLZ NO I won’t be here!
D: Oh I know, I didn’t really doubt that you’d stick around for me!
B: This guy is clueless. Ok.
D: (Gets up to go “PISS”)
B: (Wait for it, wait for it. He’s out of sight!)

Girl at table next to me: You should so ditch him!
B: Right? I totally am!

(RUN RUN RUN)

(Call my sister ASAP, while running to my car):
B: OMG I’m ditching my date!! AHHH hahaha!
K: What?!
B: Hahaha, this is amazing, I’ll explain later. I just had to call and tell someone. Peace!

And that is the story of the terrible date: The Ditch.

Until tomorrow…

Survivng Your First Bikram Session

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When I suggest coming to Bikram to some people, I get this response:

what are you, crazy?

Others, however, often want to try it, and ask many questions about what to expect.

So, here are a few tips (they are actually tips, only a sprinkle of sarcasm here and there) for anyone who is going to try Bikram Yoga.

First, you kick ass. Bikram yoga is for badasses.

Obviously, I mean, I do it. Duh.

Second, HYDRATE HYDRATE HYDRATE.

I bet that was coconut water in the Boot...

I can’t emphasize that enough. If you go into your first (or any) Bikram class and you haven’t drank A LOT of water, well you are going to hate your life. And want to die.

 

It's a little warm in here, no?

You are sweating profusely for 90 minutes, make sure your body is equipped to do that without passing out. I drink water and put a little bit of Mio (yeah yeah artificial sweeteners are the devil, blah blah), all day long. A lot of people drink Coconut water or electrolyte infused drinks to get more electrolytes/salt/etc. Whatever you need to do to get yourself hydrated, just do it. Trust me, you’ll thank me later.

Third, do NOT compare yourself to others. On any level.

 

Do.Not.Do.It.

Let me elaborate. People of EVERY size do bikram yoga. I kid you not. There is a woman in my class who must be 250+ pounds. And she kicks butt. There is also a man in there who I am convinced has an ED because I can count every single one of his ribs and vertebrae and fit my fist in between each. Poor guy. Some people wear pants and shirts, some people wear bathing suits, some people wear shorts only. You will see a lot of skin. Some “hot” bodies (whatever that means) and some “not so hot” bodies. Who cares. Don’t go in there self conscious and worried about someone seeing your fat roll or cellulite or stretch marks or whatever else society has told you to be ashamed of. I assure you, once you get into the flow of class you won’t care that you have a dimple in your thigh.

omg EVERYONE is looking at me. No. They're not.

Also, do not compare you practice to the people around you. Everyone’s body is built differently, joints/muscles/etc. Some people are naturally flexible, others are not. Some have sustained serious injuries (a lot of people with back problems turn to Bikram for healing purposes), and some people have been practicing yoga for decades. You will only mind fuck yourself if you start thinking shit like “oh, but look at that old lady hitting standing head to knee. Why can’t I do that, if some old lady can, I must suck if I can’t!” Shutup. Stop. You will get there eventually with regular practice, and if you don’t…who cares. As long as you commit to the pose and try 100%, you get 100% benefit. I assure you your life will not change if you can hold in a Bikram posture.

Fourth, don’t think. Seriously, go brain dead.

No thinking?! DONE.

Do not let any thoughts other than “breath” into your head. Need to go grocery shopping after class? Who cares. Trying to count how many calories you’ve eaten today? OMG, Punch yourself in the face. And then get back to your breath.

Yeah, that'll teach ya.

All you need to do is:

A) Breath

B) Follow the teachers instructions.

End of story.

If you commit to the breath, postures will be 100% easier, you will leave with total mental clarity, and you will get so much more out of the class. We worry about dumb shit ALL DAY LONG. Bikram is a 90 minute escape from the bs of the world. Take advantage of that. Plus, try doing bow pose and thinking about other things.

why yes that IS me. well, no.

Good luck. (but don’t really, that isn’t a challenge. Just be brain dead!)

Fifth, Stay in the room. You may get a sudden urge to run out of the room screaming, huffing for air, flailing your arms around. Or maybe you go a little nuts and want to run out, stop drop and roll.

Muahaha. <-- what?!

Don’t. I assure you that you CAN stay in the room for 90 minutes and you will be ok. You will not ignite into flames. You’ll in fact, probably feel a lot better. It is a mental challenge more than anything else. Telling your mind to stop freaking out, and as I mentioned BREATH. Lay down, breath, regroup, and rejoin the postures. You can do it. I promise.

And finally, COME BACK ASAP.

You may have spent 99% of the class in dead body pose (<–hehe yeah thats the legit name of the pose), but you came, you stayed in the room, and you ARE a badass. To really understand and experience the benefits. Go back the next day. You’ll thank me for this.

Have you tried Bikram or hot yoga before?

To all the runners, do you find that yoga helps with your training? Or are you skeptical of its benefits? 

The three B’s: Babies, butts, boning.

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Dear rape vans,

Get a little more creative. I can’t imagine that “Free Candy” is cutting it these days.

Lame.

I mean, maybe if you said “Free Diamonds” or “Free trip to Cancun!” you might get some attention/visitors. But come on, bro, candy? LAME.

Love, Bee

Yesterday was pretty kick ass. I saw one of my best friends, had an amazing yoga session, and hung out at my sisters before doing stupid grown-upy things like grocery shopping and putting away laundry.

So, as I just mentioned, I got to see one of my best friends from high school, her awesome fiancé (they’ve been together since Sophomore year of college, he’s a great guy, we all approve), and their two adorable munchinks, 5 years old and 8 months. I LOVE babies. But more importantly, I love babies that are not mine.

I got to thinking, it is a much better deal to be an aunt/let your friends pop out a bunch of babies than to have kids of your own.

I have two arguments as to why. They’re simple, but pretty damn solid:

1. When they cry, I get to give them back.

This thing is mocking me!

2. My ass is the only ass I have to wipe.

That pretty much sums it up.

I considered running this morning. The end.

Not today, my friend. Not today.

Then I got ready for work after hitting the snooze button. Today my hair looks like that of a 40 year old tight-ass. Fail.

what IS that?

In other news, I am looking forward to tomorrow night because me and GRose are going to the movies to see Crazy,Stupid Love. SCORE! It looks awesome. And I totally want to bone Ryan Gosling.

Marry me?

Also, I saw THIS over the weekend.

Uh...why?

I want to specifically point out that I do NOT want to bone the owner of that gem.

So to reiterate my bone list:

Ryan Gosling: Yes

Driver (who I can only assume looks just like Dog the Bounty Hunter): NO.

What, you no likely the mullet?

Questions:

How was your weekend?

Awesome, duh.

Did you get any good runs/workouts in? Are you a morning person?

– Two sweaty and amazing yoga sessions. Wicked small classes so it was fun to get one on one attention/pointers from the teachers.

Happy Monday, Bitches! 🙂

8 Simple Rules for Online Dating Success

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Today I’d like to share some VERY useful advice for everyone brave enough to venture into the online dating scene. I myself have had the experience of “blind” dates formed from online dating websites. * GASP * OMG this girl just admitted to using a dating service.

Yeah, I know. Whatever, bite me. But not really, I love you. I think.

So here are 8 simple rules to building a successful online dating profile. (Sarcasm included, no additional charge).

Dear Single Ladies/Gents,

Expert advice on how to successfully create an online-dating profile.

1.    Make sure you write A LOT about dumb shit that no one cares about. Especially really cliché stuff like walks on the beach, and candlelight dinners. People looooove to read about crap like that because it shares a lot about who YOU really are.

(Who remembers this bit from Mad TV?)

2.    Make sure you write an awkward amount about why your last relationship failed. It is always best to make sure 99% of your conversations revolve around an ex girlfriend or boyfriend.

NEXT!

3.    Be sure to include all of the obvious qualities you don’t want in a mate. “No Drama. No baby mommas/daddies. No bull-shitters. No liars. No fakes.” Because otherwise, potential daters may get confused as to what you DO want. I mean, some people love fake liars. Don’t want to send mixed signals.
4.    Be sure to post a ton of really * cool * pictures. ESPECIALLY duck face pictures. Because, come on, everyone loves that face.

How YOU doin'?

Hey, wanna make out?!

5.    Also include really awesome MySpace-esque photos that make you look super mysterious and deep. Also, make sure to never include any shots of your body because god forbid anyone know what you actually look like.

6.    Include photos of when you were at your cutest. To hell with showing people what you actually look like. That’s highly overrated. And plus, everyone wants to be surprised with an entirely different person than who they expected when you finally meet.

think they'll notice this is from a * few * years ago?...

(P.S. that is NOT me^)

7.    Look as sexy as possible in all photos. Sex sells.

Heeeeeey

Um, did I just put that on the internet?...

8.    Use horrible grammar. I mean “grammer.” It shows your intelligence when you use super awesome slang like “u” and “holla atch boy” and “get wich you” and such. And always, always be sure to use the wrong form of “they’re” “there” and “their.” That one is key.

There you have it. 8 Simples rules to building a successful online profile. You’ll be married in no time.

You’re welcome.

Love,
Bee

That’s What She Said!

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TFGIF 🙂

Woops, was there an extra “F” in there? That’s weird…

Daily advice from your Bitchy Bee:

Dear Blogger,

Be careful who you talk to about Nut Butters! See below.

Blogger A: “Oh man, I am almost out of my favorite Nut Butter!”

Blogger B Response: “Oh no! I looooooooooove nut butters!”

Non Blogger Response:

Love,

Bee 😉

In other news, my tires are finally all better, no shaking uncontrollably when I drive and no donut. Winning!

Why yes that IS my stinky Bikram yoga mat drying over my passenger seat. Thanks for noticing.

The guys at the garage totally saw me taking a picture of myself when I got back into my car. They probably think I’m a weirdo. They’re probably right…

After yoga last night I had high hopes for being productive and doing things like cleaning, going for a long walk with Charlie-boy. But once I got home I decided that I wanted to sit on my butt. So I did.

Charlie was mad at me for taking him on a short walk, and he told me my feet stink.(Disregard my STILL swollen right ankle/baseball sized bump. I’m confident that it will eventually return to normal).

News flash Charlie, your ENTIRE body smells. Yeah, I said it. In other news, I need to give Charlie a bath this weekend. And possibly I should take a shower too. At some point.

So while sitting on my ass doing nothing, I caught up on So You Think You Can Dance. Am I the only one who LOVES Melanie? The girl blows my mind!

Questions!

Do you have any fun weekend plans?

– I am going to run (and of course get my yoga on) Sat/Sun. Saturday I am seeing one of my bffs from HS and her adorable kids. Sunday I think I’ll do something with GRose or the kiddos. Not sure about tonight. I am le tireeeeed.

Do you use the term “Nut Butter” around non-bloggers?

-Sometimes, but only to see if they’re cool enough to quickly reply with That’s What She Said!


Donuts. Not the good kind.

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Uhhhh, a little advice for…yesterday.

Dear Tuesday,

Go fuck yourself.

Twice.

Yup.

Sincerely,

A very Bitchy Bee

So yesterday started out great, got a successful first run of the 1/2 training program in. Had a nice day at work, a great Bikram Yoga class (seriously, I felt like I was on cloud 9 walking out of the studio last night).

Then, just like that.

BAM.
SHITTY.

Driving home on the highway all of a sudden there is a TON of giant gravel/rocks/whateverthefucktheywere. Being that traffic was moving about 70 mph and there were cars on either side of me, swerving was not an option.

CLUNK. POP. FUCK.
Yep. Big old flat tire.WAHHHHH (I’m saying that JUST like Snookie by the way. So you knoooooow it’s annoying).
Thank god Mini-Mom is the shiznit and continues to buy me AAA even though I’m 26 and a “grownup.” And I am super lucky my card happened to be in the car, because…Yeah…I left my purse at home! Shhhhh, don’t tell the authorities that I drive around sans license.So I call, they tell me 30-40 minutes. I wait and wait…and wait…

Luckily I wasn’t wearing gym clothes drenched in sweat from yoga (yes even the change of clothes gets drenched on the way out) and that I was looking fly. Only the exact opposite…
Thank god for cell phones, right? I can facebook/blog stalk. Um. NO. Battery dying? FML.

Finally, after about 55 minutes, some handy AAA guy comes and points out that not only did my tire go flat, the rim got bent as well. Awesome…

He was really nice though, but I felt terrible, I had no purse…and no money to tip. So I quickly jumped in my car and was like “K thanks, you’re awesome, BYE!”You are supposed to tip those guys right? Sorry dude….I would have if I could have…

So now I’m rocking some TINY ass donut tire.


I’m not entirely confident that it can hold the weight of me my car. I need to figure out what I’m doing about that, asap. So yeah, Tuesday…you’re dead to me. Bitch.
—————————————-
Anywho, now that I am done whining and bitching about that, onto today.

I woke up extra early today. I felt like a zombie, yet looked surprisingly similar to an alien…

Hot. I know. It’s a mystery why I’m still single.

I got up extra early because today’s run was 5 x 400s. I live in Connecticut, aka land of hills, and I don’t live near a track I can run on, so repeats are done at the gym on the…..

DREADMILL. Yes I hate the treadmill usually, but repeats aren’t so bad. They go so fast and I can entertain my mind for a quick sprint workout. Good thing, because I forgot my headphones today. I kind of liked running without shit-in-my-ears. I’m always fussing with them so it was nice to not have to do that.

The run went great. I did a 1/2 mile warm up with an easy jog then my 400s at speed 8.2 with a 400 in between each one at 5.0. It was a good workout, but when I was done I felt like I had more in me, which is good. 11 1/2 weeks left of  training, don’t want to burn out.

So, at least it’s hump day today! That’s damn close to Friday!

I have some delish eats for the day, including one of my favorite lunches:
Sweet Potato, 1/4 cup black beans, 1/2 cup cottage cheese, salsa. I always use my finest china.

This salsa is like crack,  people. Go buy some. Immediately. Go.

Tonight my lovely sister, 2/3s of her children (as in 2 out of 3, not partials of each child), and my Dad and I are going to Moe’s for dinner! I love their food! And I love the company.

Hopefully Wednesday won’t suck balls quite as much as Tuesday. Pardon my…American. (I would say pardon my French, but I feel they’re too classy to say “suck balls.” Clearly I am not).

Bitchy bee, out.