Dear Magnum “Ice Cream Bars”,
Surely I am not the only one with a dirty mind who has a problem with this.
One of my very best friends in the world, Tizzle (yeah, that is her gangster name, thanks for asking) suggested that I share some dating horror stories on my blog. Because, well, as a self admitted serial Horrible-First-Dater, I have a lot of stories to share. So once in a while on Tuesdays I will share some of these disasters.
I am going to write out a brief dialogue for you, to share the date known as: The Ditch
(Please note, my thoughts will be in Blue, what was actually said, in Black).
I will be “B” for Bee, the date will be “D” for Dick. Simple enough.
Scene: Patio outside at a local bar
B: Yes, hi nice to meet you D.
D: Have you been waiting long?
B: No, no, just a few minutes. Or like 15 minutes…
D: Phew, I am SO glad you didn’t show up some fatty! I can’t tell you how man girls show up WAY fatter than their pics.
Um..dude..you are LARGE. Much larger than your profile would lead one to believe. Glass house? Rocks? No? Maybe he is trying to break the ice about being 30 lbs heavier than his pictures?..Maybe?
B: Ha..ha..Yep, I guess I am not a fatty. Lucky you?
D: Oh man, let me tell you what I do when that happens!
at this point D takes ANOTHER shot and finishes his beer.
(Ok he is serious…not breaking the ice. He is in fact a tool.)
D: When the fatties have to go use the rest room, I wait until they’re out of sight, and I DITCH ‘EM! hahahaha. Yep, just up and leave. Bar tab and all, usually. Hahaha.
B: um…is this guy for real…? wtf…Ha ha ?
D: Blah blah blah, I like George Bush, blah blah, kids are stupid, blah blah, I drive a BMW, blah blah. Ladies love me, blah blah blah (<– pretty much word for word what came out of D’s mouth for the next 30-40 minutes)
B: (Smiles and nods. Zones out. Thinking of clever way to fake an emergency and leave)
D: Oh man, Bee I have to PISS.
B: Seriously, dude? did you have to say it like that? Ok.
D: Now, har har har, don’t ditch me when I’m in there!
B: Ha, ha, don’t be silly. I’ll be here. HELLZ NO I won’t be here!
D: Oh I know, I didn’t really doubt that you’d stick around for me!
B: This guy is clueless. Ok.
D: (Gets up to go “PISS”)
B: (Wait for it, wait for it. He’s out of sight!)
Girl at table next to me: You should so ditch him!
B: Right? I totally am!
(RUN RUN RUN)
(Call my sister ASAP, while running to my car):
B: OMG I’m ditching my date!! AHHH hahaha!
B: Hahaha, this is amazing, I’ll explain later. I just had to call and tell someone. Peace!
And that is the story of the terrible date: The Ditch.