Category Archives: dating

Terrible Date Tuesday: The Ditch!

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Dear Magnum “Ice Cream Bars”,

Really?? Really??

Magnum? For Please Seekers?!...uh...

Surely I am not the only one with a dirty mind who has a problem with this.

Sincerely,

Bee

One of my very best friends in the world, Tizzle (yeah, that is her gangster name, thanks for asking) suggested that I share some dating horror stories on my blog. Because, well, as a self admitted serial Horrible-First-Dater, I have a lot of stories to share. So once in a while on Tuesdays I will share some of these disasters.

I am going to write out a brief dialogue for you, to share the date known as: The Ditch
(Please note, my  thoughts will be in Blue, what was actually said, in Black).

I will be “B” for Bee, the date will be “D” for Dick. Simple enough.

Story of my life.

Scene: Patio outside at a local bar

D: Bee?
B: Yes, hi nice to meet you D.
D: Have you been waiting long?
B: No, no, just a few minutes. Or like 15 minutes…
D: Phew, I am SO glad you didn’t show up some fatty! I can’t tell you how man girls show up WAY fatter than their pics.
Um..dude..you are LARGE. Much larger than your profile would lead one to believe. Glass house? Rocks? No? Maybe he is trying to break the ice about being 30 lbs heavier than his pictures?..Maybe?
B: Ha..ha..Yep, I guess I am not a fatty. Lucky you?
D: Oh man, let me tell you what I do when that happens!

at this point D takes ANOTHER shot and finishes his beer.
(Ok he is serious…not breaking the ice. He is in fact a tool.)
D: When the fatties have to go use the rest room, I wait until they’re out of sight, and I DITCH ‘EM! hahahaha. Yep, just up and leave. Bar tab and all, usually. Hahaha.
B: um…is this guy for real…? wtf…Ha ha ?
D: Blah blah blah, I like George Bush, blah blah, kids are stupid, blah blah, I drive a BMW, blah blah. Ladies love me, blah blah blah (<– pretty much word for word what came out of D’s mouth for the next 30-40 minutes)
B: (Smiles and nods. Zones out. Thinking of clever way to fake an emergency and leave)
D: Oh man, Bee I have to PISS.
B: Seriously, dude? did you have to say it like that? Ok.
D: Now, har har har, don’t ditch me when I’m in there!
B: Ha, ha, don’t be silly. I’ll be here. HELLZ NO I won’t be here!
D: Oh I know, I didn’t really doubt that you’d stick around for me!
B: This guy is clueless. Ok.
D: (Gets up to go “PISS”)
B: (Wait for it, wait for it. He’s out of sight!)

Girl at table next to me: You should so ditch him!
B: Right? I totally am!

(RUN RUN RUN)

(Call my sister ASAP, while running to my car):
B: OMG I’m ditching my date!! AHHH hahaha!
K: What?!
B: Hahaha, this is amazing, I’ll explain later. I just had to call and tell someone. Peace!

And that is the story of the terrible date: The Ditch.

Until tomorrow…

Reasons I love Being Single: The Picker Edition

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Dear Ladies,

Don’t settle. It’s far better to be single than to wind up with a DB.

Ugh, WHY do men do this to themselves...HIDEOUS.

Love,

Bee

At 26, many people look at you with puppy dog eyes, or give you the “awww, you’ll meet someone. hang in there” when they hear that you’re STILL SINGLE.

I’m sorry, is it not 2011? Or did I miss the memo that we are all settling down and getting married at 15 now?

I don’t need sympathy, sad looks, and I don’t need old ladies setting me up on blind dates in an attempt to fix my single “problem.” (However, if you know someone who looks like Ryan Gosling, or the guy below, I am more than willing to overlook my hesitations towards blind dates. Call me).

yes please, i'll take two.

One of the main reasons I kind of enjoy being single is that I am the picker. Yes, the picker. Sounds gross, but it’s actually pretty desirable.

Here are 5 reasons why being single, and therefore being the picker trumps dating.

1. I get to pick what I want to do. No more sitting at the race tracks (not my thing, unless Ricky Bobby is making a guest appearance, I’m not feeling it).

Shake N Bake, bro. Shake N Bake.

No more Car shows (yeah I’ve dated a lot of car guys). No more concerts of music I can’t stand. I don’t think I’ll ever understand metal. And i like A LOT of genres of music, very eclectic taste. Metal however…never going to happen.

hahaha, pretend this is heavy metal. because it makes me laugh.

I pick what I want to do, when I want to do it. End of Story.

2. I get to pick what I eat. I’m not a super picky eater, but I’m sorry, if you want to surprise me with a “romantic” (<– I use that term lightly) dinner…please don’t include disgusting things like…any food involving raw ANYTHING (gag), bacon, or mushrooms. (Easily the worst two smells IN THE WORLD). Yes, I hate bacon. Deal with it. It smells like death, and burning pigs. Seriously.

Leaning tower of vomit.

3. I get to pick the movie. DEAR LORD this one is a biggie. I hate hate hate dumb action movies. I am not, by any means, saying I have cultured tasted in movies. My top 3 all time favorites include: The Sandlot, Super Troopers, and The Sweetest Thing.

I want to be a highway patrol cop when I grow up.

So I recognize that I do not have the best taste in the classics, but I know what I don’t like. And that is DUMB action movies. As the picker, I don’t have to ever watch those shitty flicks. Winning.

4. I get to pick my nose. Yep, I said it. As a single lady, living alone, if I have something up there, I never have to worry that my boyfriend will ever catch me diggin’ for gold. Charlie may see me, but he pretends not to…

That's right. Look away. You didn't see anything...

5. And as the picker, I get to pick my friends. I think we’ve all dated someone with DUMB friends. It happens. It’s horrible, but it happens.

As the picker, I choose who I hang out with, and generally that means I enjoy my company.

So, you see, I don’t mind being single very much at all!

This entire post makes me sound like a giant bitch. But in my defense, I think I gave some level of warning with my blog title, no?

Oh, I picked that too 😉

Later!

8 Simple Rules for Online Dating Success

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Today I’d like to share some VERY useful advice for everyone brave enough to venture into the online dating scene. I myself have had the experience of “blind” dates formed from online dating websites. * GASP * OMG this girl just admitted to using a dating service.

Yeah, I know. Whatever, bite me. But not really, I love you. I think.

So here are 8 simple rules to building a successful online dating profile. (Sarcasm included, no additional charge).

Dear Single Ladies/Gents,

Expert advice on how to successfully create an online-dating profile.

1.    Make sure you write A LOT about dumb shit that no one cares about. Especially really cliché stuff like walks on the beach, and candlelight dinners. People looooove to read about crap like that because it shares a lot about who YOU really are.

(Who remembers this bit from Mad TV?)

2.    Make sure you write an awkward amount about why your last relationship failed. It is always best to make sure 99% of your conversations revolve around an ex girlfriend or boyfriend.

NEXT!

3.    Be sure to include all of the obvious qualities you don’t want in a mate. “No Drama. No baby mommas/daddies. No bull-shitters. No liars. No fakes.” Because otherwise, potential daters may get confused as to what you DO want. I mean, some people love fake liars. Don’t want to send mixed signals.
4.    Be sure to post a ton of really * cool * pictures. ESPECIALLY duck face pictures. Because, come on, everyone loves that face.

How YOU doin'?

Hey, wanna make out?!

5.    Also include really awesome MySpace-esque photos that make you look super mysterious and deep. Also, make sure to never include any shots of your body because god forbid anyone know what you actually look like.

6.    Include photos of when you were at your cutest. To hell with showing people what you actually look like. That’s highly overrated. And plus, everyone wants to be surprised with an entirely different person than who they expected when you finally meet.

think they'll notice this is from a * few * years ago?...

(P.S. that is NOT me^)

7.    Look as sexy as possible in all photos. Sex sells.

Heeeeeey

Um, did I just put that on the internet?...

8.    Use horrible grammar. I mean “grammer.” It shows your intelligence when you use super awesome slang like “u” and “holla atch boy” and “get wich you” and such. And always, always be sure to use the wrong form of “they’re” “there” and “their.” That one is key.

There you have it. 8 Simples rules to building a successful online profile. You’ll be married in no time.

You’re welcome.

Love,
Bee