Category Archives: Advice

Planking is dumber than a 5 year plan

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Dear human beings,

How is that “planking” is a fad? Seriously? Laying down…arms by your side…is one of the most popular activities documented on the social media scene? Wtf…

dumb.

How is this amusing? My advice to you? Cut the shit. Stop laying down on public grounds/equipment. You’re going to catch something.

Peace,

Bee

Anywho…Today is day TWENTY FIVE of my 30 day challenges. I can’t believe that by next Wednesday I will be done with 30 days of consistent yoga practice, non-alcoholic beverages, and meat free cuisine. Score.

I mentioned yesterday, in my first brainstorming post about what is next, that I like have a “Goal” outside of work. I think it is important to have a focus in life, whatever it may be on.
Some people are focused on starting a family, aka making babies:

some part of me thinks this is child abuse...

Others are very career driven:

this photo is from the documentary of my life.

Some people are hardcore and are training for physical feats, like winning races and being badass:

motivation is key

I am not quite sure what I am. Does that make sense? I like having goals, but generally in my adult life these are all short-term. Aka the 30 day challenges. I am not quite sure where I want to be career wise. I can’t find a man I can stand, and I don’t have the physical/mental ability to train hard enough to be a career athlete.

However, I think I could absolutely stand a career athlete....please?

I guess I’ll keep going with the short-term goals and hopefully they will come together and help me figure out my long-term goals. I don’t really mind that I don’t have a long-term “Plan” for my life though. Because honestly, no one can predict what is going to happen, and “5 year plans” are ridiculous. If you have one, I’m sorry, but that’s a big waste of time. You can’t control life. End of story.

Terrible Date Tuesday: The Ditch!

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Dear Magnum “Ice Cream Bars”,

Really?? Really??

Magnum? For Please Seekers?!...uh...

Surely I am not the only one with a dirty mind who has a problem with this.

Sincerely,

Bee

One of my very best friends in the world, Tizzle (yeah, that is her gangster name, thanks for asking) suggested that I share some dating horror stories on my blog. Because, well, as a self admitted serial Horrible-First-Dater, I have a lot of stories to share. So once in a while on Tuesdays I will share some of these disasters.

I am going to write out a brief dialogue for you, to share the date known as: The Ditch
(Please note, my  thoughts will be in Blue, what was actually said, in Black).

I will be “B” for Bee, the date will be “D” for Dick. Simple enough.

Story of my life.

Scene: Patio outside at a local bar

D: Bee?
B: Yes, hi nice to meet you D.
D: Have you been waiting long?
B: No, no, just a few minutes. Or like 15 minutes…
D: Phew, I am SO glad you didn’t show up some fatty! I can’t tell you how man girls show up WAY fatter than their pics.
Um..dude..you are LARGE. Much larger than your profile would lead one to believe. Glass house? Rocks? No? Maybe he is trying to break the ice about being 30 lbs heavier than his pictures?..Maybe?
B: Ha..ha..Yep, I guess I am not a fatty. Lucky you?
D: Oh man, let me tell you what I do when that happens!

at this point D takes ANOTHER shot and finishes his beer.
(Ok he is serious…not breaking the ice. He is in fact a tool.)
D: When the fatties have to go use the rest room, I wait until they’re out of sight, and I DITCH ‘EM! hahahaha. Yep, just up and leave. Bar tab and all, usually. Hahaha.
B: um…is this guy for real…? wtf…Ha ha ?
D: Blah blah blah, I like George Bush, blah blah, kids are stupid, blah blah, I drive a BMW, blah blah. Ladies love me, blah blah blah (<– pretty much word for word what came out of D’s mouth for the next 30-40 minutes)
B: (Smiles and nods. Zones out. Thinking of clever way to fake an emergency and leave)
D: Oh man, Bee I have to PISS.
B: Seriously, dude? did you have to say it like that? Ok.
D: Now, har har har, don’t ditch me when I’m in there!
B: Ha, ha, don’t be silly. I’ll be here. HELLZ NO I won’t be here!
D: Oh I know, I didn’t really doubt that you’d stick around for me!
B: This guy is clueless. Ok.
D: (Gets up to go “PISS”)
B: (Wait for it, wait for it. He’s out of sight!)

Girl at table next to me: You should so ditch him!
B: Right? I totally am!

(RUN RUN RUN)

(Call my sister ASAP, while running to my car):
B: OMG I’m ditching my date!! AHHH hahaha!
K: What?!
B: Hahaha, this is amazing, I’ll explain later. I just had to call and tell someone. Peace!

And that is the story of the terrible date: The Ditch.

Until tomorrow…

Reasons I love Being Single: The Picker Edition

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Dear Ladies,

Don’t settle. It’s far better to be single than to wind up with a DB.

Ugh, WHY do men do this to themselves...HIDEOUS.

Love,

Bee

At 26, many people look at you with puppy dog eyes, or give you the “awww, you’ll meet someone. hang in there” when they hear that you’re STILL SINGLE.

I’m sorry, is it not 2011? Or did I miss the memo that we are all settling down and getting married at 15 now?

I don’t need sympathy, sad looks, and I don’t need old ladies setting me up on blind dates in an attempt to fix my single “problem.” (However, if you know someone who looks like Ryan Gosling, or the guy below, I am more than willing to overlook my hesitations towards blind dates. Call me).

yes please, i'll take two.

One of the main reasons I kind of enjoy being single is that I am the picker. Yes, the picker. Sounds gross, but it’s actually pretty desirable.

Here are 5 reasons why being single, and therefore being the picker trumps dating.

1. I get to pick what I want to do. No more sitting at the race tracks (not my thing, unless Ricky Bobby is making a guest appearance, I’m not feeling it).

Shake N Bake, bro. Shake N Bake.

No more Car shows (yeah I’ve dated a lot of car guys). No more concerts of music I can’t stand. I don’t think I’ll ever understand metal. And i like A LOT of genres of music, very eclectic taste. Metal however…never going to happen.

hahaha, pretend this is heavy metal. because it makes me laugh.

I pick what I want to do, when I want to do it. End of Story.

2. I get to pick what I eat. I’m not a super picky eater, but I’m sorry, if you want to surprise me with a “romantic” (<– I use that term lightly) dinner…please don’t include disgusting things like…any food involving raw ANYTHING (gag), bacon, or mushrooms. (Easily the worst two smells IN THE WORLD). Yes, I hate bacon. Deal with it. It smells like death, and burning pigs. Seriously.

Leaning tower of vomit.

3. I get to pick the movie. DEAR LORD this one is a biggie. I hate hate hate dumb action movies. I am not, by any means, saying I have cultured tasted in movies. My top 3 all time favorites include: The Sandlot, Super Troopers, and The Sweetest Thing.

I want to be a highway patrol cop when I grow up.

So I recognize that I do not have the best taste in the classics, but I know what I don’t like. And that is DUMB action movies. As the picker, I don’t have to ever watch those shitty flicks. Winning.

4. I get to pick my nose. Yep, I said it. As a single lady, living alone, if I have something up there, I never have to worry that my boyfriend will ever catch me diggin’ for gold. Charlie may see me, but he pretends not to…

That's right. Look away. You didn't see anything...

5. And as the picker, I get to pick my friends. I think we’ve all dated someone with DUMB friends. It happens. It’s horrible, but it happens.

As the picker, I choose who I hang out with, and generally that means I enjoy my company.

So, you see, I don’t mind being single very much at all!

This entire post makes me sound like a giant bitch. But in my defense, I think I gave some level of warning with my blog title, no?

Oh, I picked that too 😉

Later!

Hey, I didn’t die. (and day 20!)

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Dear Parents,

Stop dressing/allowing your kids to dress like hookers. It is wildly inappropriate, and makes me uncomfortable. For them, for you, for me. Just cut it out. They can be a skank on their own when they’re older. For now, while you have the final say, please cut the shit.

These suits are all appropriate. NOT.

Thanks,

Bee

Moving on. I survived my first DOUBLE of Bikram yoga yesterday AND one of them was the advanced series. Let me start out by saying, yesterday was HOT.

I got to the 10am class, and the 8am class was finishing up. They were all coming out gasping for air talking about the humidity and how it was deadly in there.

Great. And they were not joking. My 10am class was rough. I felt very dizzy again towards the end of standing series, but by the end of class, I felt AMAZING. This was a pleasant surprise because about 30 minutes into the class I thought, “Oh hell no. There is no effin’ way I’m doing this AGAIN.” That’s the cool thing about yoga, you can go through a roller coaster of emotions throughout class, but 99% of the time, you end up feeling better than when you started. So, I knew I wanted to stick around and see what the advanced series was all about.

To my surprise it was just 2 of the teachers from the studio, myself, and one other girl about my age. All 3 of them are pretty awesome, and we went into the room knowing it was going to be fun to try. Thank goodness the two teachers were there, we followed Bikram’s CD and some of the instructions were…less than clear. haha.

But OH MY GOD. Doing a double, my body was so limber. I was going into back bends deeper than ever before, I was able to do a full expression of full moon without the back pain I’ve been experiencing. I was able to do splits! I don’t think I’ve attempted a split in …years? Since I danced with the studio. Splits aren’t something that come up in your day-to-day life. Unless you’re a stripper. I’m assuming.

So yeah it was great, and afterwards I had this natural high and my body felt so light. I think I will definitely do the same thing again next Saturday. This double came at the perfect time, since I will need to miss yoga on Tuesday (WAHH) for a work meeting. So I can still get 30 sessions in 30 days. Phew!

Also, it is Day 20 of the 30 day Challenges! 2/3 of the way there and feelin’ good 🙂

Off to get my bend on. Later!

I’m MELTINGGGGG

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Dear Squirrels,

WTF guys? Do you seriously hate life so much that you need to chill in the middle of the road ALL the time? 

Or are you just bored and need to spice things up? Looking for some thrills? Or are you just crazy and like the risk?

Look, here comes Bee, TO THE STREETS!

You know what, I don’t care. Whatever it is, cut the shit, I am tired of freaking out every morning because I almost drove off the road trying not to kill you! 

Peace out…little shits,

Bitchy Bee

So yesterday I am not sure what was going on with me. Yoga was torture. Before standing series was even over, I felt like I was going to pass out. I sat out for the second set of triangle, and tree stand.  I got through the entire floor series, but not without thinking:

“OMG IS IT OVER YET?! SHOOT ME NOW!”

Yes, that went through my mind about 9309842 times before class got out. What the hell? Normally I kick butt in bikram. NOT PLEASED.

Then I got to thinking, ok that was my 18th day  IN A ROW. Maybe my body is feeling a little tired/exhausted/etc. And it was very humid. So I guess its alright…But UGH!

wahhhhh waahhhhhh

However, on my way out of the studio, my teacher invited me to try out an Advanced Class today!! So nervous about this, but also so excited. The poses in advanced are INSANE. Seriously.

hmm....you want me to bend where?

AAAAaaaand, they recommend that you do the regular class before hand to limber up. So I will be doing my first double. Back to back. YIKES! So 3.5ish hours in the hot box today!

Yeah, that sounds about right.

I ate a very healthy dinner last night, have been drinking Powerade, and am about to go eat a breakfast of fruit, oatbran, and pb. I’ve read that eating a piece of fruit between doubles is usually a good way to get some energy without having to digest much. So I bout an orange when I went out for coffee this morning…

shutup, an orange is an orange.

Yes my orange is from the gas station. Stop judging me…

If I live to write another day, I’ll tell you how the advanced class went!!

Ciao!

True Story: I was addicted to exercise.

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Dear facebookers,

If you insist on updating you status every 5 minutes, please please please put something interesting at least ONCE in a while.

remove from news feed? yes.

I do not care that you are:

– Super sleepy today
– Watching TV
– Driving to Work
– Sitting at my Desk
– Dealing with a headache
– Missing my sweetheart

And probably 99% of the other mundane bs you put up there. I think more of you should start lying in your status updates. Keep it interesting:

“Woah, waking up with a sore butt and no memory of last night is a CRAZY was to start a Wednesday.”

“I just punched my mom. WHAT”

“I just met Ryan Reynolds. HE GAVE ME HIS NUMBER!! AHH”

I feel that I may be less inclined to block you from my news feed, and may even comment on your shit if you started lying. Just sayin’.

yes. yes. yes.

Thanks,

Bee

Sports and physical activity help me be less of a bitch.

I will not.

Seriously.

Over my lifetime I have been involved in many different sports/activities/whathaveyou. And I like to think that this involvement has helped keep my bitchiness, anxiety, depression, etc (insert any bad feelings one may experience over 26 years of living) in check.

Growing up I played basketball, softball, and have always been involved in dance. (<– that was my favorite, BY FAR). Once I entered high school I decided to try running, and went out for the cross-country team. While I was NOT a good runner by any means going into freshman year, I found that I did in fact love running, and the girls on the team were awesome! Some of my best memories in hs are with the CC team 🙂

Yes, we do run for fun. Thanks for asking.

In college, well I did pretty much NO activity in college, other than fill my PE requirement with a “yoga” class that we did not take seriously, and a dance class that was a breeze. Did I mention I chained smoked in college? Yeah I know…gross!! I’ll discuss college life more in another post soon!

Post college I fell back in love with running. I also got very into interval training, boxing, found crossfit, and finally found Bikram Yoga (<– my current love. I need a date…pronto!)

 

That is obviously EXACTLY what I look like when I box. Duh.

Each activity served as a challenge as well as a release for me. Stressful day? Go punch it out at boxing! Too much shit on my mind? Go for a long run and think it out. Obsessing over something stupid? Go do a yoga class to clear your mind. Each sport has served as a great way for me to overcome emotional baggage in my life.

nothing like 6am WODs at crossfit...

But at what point does a love of exercise become an obsession?

There was absolutely a point, and not that long ago, where I was an exercise-addict. I was absolutely insane about it. If I missed a workout, I was anxious and irritable and would find a way to fit in another hour in the next days workout. It was NOT FUN.

Was I the “thinnest” I’ve ever been? Yeah, sure. Was I happy? Hell no!

Exercise became a means of control for me. I was spending 2 hours a day working out, and the other hours thinking about working out, planning the workout, and scheduling my social life (what little I had) around my workout. It was exhausting. Seriously, I was tired ALL THE TIME. I was eating about 2500 calories a day so that I had the energy to perform well at each workout, but that was not nearly enough and my body weight was way too low, and my energy levels blew.

But I am le tired.

Last October a family member of mine went through a very serious crisis and I was asked to take them in while they got back on their feet. I knew I had a problem when my first thought was “how will I fit my workouts in if someone is living here? I can’t do a 5 am workout with someone sleeping upstairs…” That was the turning point for me. Was that seriously what I was worried about? What was WRONG with me? I felt horrible, ashamed. I knew right then and there I had a problem.


While the circumstances that caused this realization were horrible, it opened my eyes to the important things in life. Friends, family, relationships. All of these things are more important than running a 6 minute mile or getting in a killer kettle bell workout.

Today, after seeing that family member turn their life around for the better (and they are happily back at their home now), I have a much healthier outlook on exercise, and life in general. I will always believe in the importance of physical activity, but now I understand that it is merely ONE part of the life puzzle. As you know I am currently in a 30 day Bikram Challenge (Day 18, score!), so that is the majority of my workout “regimen” as of late. 90 minutes a day is enough for me, thank you very much! However, normally I try to get 3 sessions of cardio and 2-3 sessions of interval style workouts involving weights/body-weight movements. And if that doesn’t happen one week, I don’t worry. There is enough to worry about. Not hitting the gym one day is not on the top of my list. My friends, family, and overall happiness are!!

My sister, me, and the diva Penny

Have you ever dealt with an exercise addiction? Do you still currently?

When did you realize you had an obsession?

Connecticut is for gangsters.

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Dear Whisper-ers,

Shhhhhhhhhhh…..ut the f*ck up!

stfu

Nothing is more obnoxious and creepy than whispering. Please just say it out loud if you need to tell me something. No need to get your mouth (and horrible breath) all up in my face and blow/spit/huskily say something IN my ear. The great thing about ears these days is that they can hear, even from a normal-amount-of-personal space distance away.

“Hey Wanna Play Telephone?” HELL NO.

Worst game ever.

Also, the only thing worse than whispering is the guy (or gal) who THINKS they are whispering but in fact are just SCREAMING in a whispering manner. I hate the loud whisperer more than anything. (Well no, not more than camel toes and muffin tops. But believe me, IT IS CLOSE).

So in closing, use your voice and stay out of people’s ears.

Sincerely,

Bee 

So on my way into work this morning I saw this…

fo' life, yo.

It’s a crappy cell phone picture, but I promise you his vest says “Hells Angels Connecticut”

Um…WHAT?! We have bike gangs…in CT? Shit. I don’t really understand what there is to fight about here…maybe they throw down over our Yankees vs. Red Sox never-ending rivalry? Or perhaps they fight about who has the better beach house. Either way, watch out CT, we have hardened biker gangs. Represent.

Moving on, I had a bad yoga session last night. Yes, it happens. I think most of you know the craptastic feeling when you are just not into your workout or practice. I don’t know what was going on, but I was just not mentally there. In Bikram you really lose your thoughts and have to focus on: breath first (to not die in the heat) and the posture second. My mind was ALL OVER THE PLACE. I couldn’t focus.

I performed each pose but my heart and head were not feeling it, and I was just going through the motions. I was legit annoyed with the teacher when I thought the posture was going too long/I didn’t like the dialogue between sets/postures. I was a total bitchy bee in my head. I am not proud of it. I left feeling kind of defeated. I hate when I know I could have done something better.

But then I was like…ummm quit bitching, there are larger problems in the world than one bad yoga session. I smacked myself, perked up, and headed out to see Crazy Stupid Love with my Grandma Rose.

LOVED IT. I highly recommend this move to everyone. Young, old, male, female. It was awesome. Not only do you see Ryan Gosling shirtless:

Please can i have your babies?

But the entire plot, character development, humor, and drama are played out perfectly. Three thumbs up from Bee. Wtf? I don’t know I’m tired, I was up until nearly midnight. Yeah, that IS late for me, what about it?! Don’t mess with me, I’m from CT…we have gangs.

Also, when I was getting ready this morning, I realized the bathrobe I wear is 8 years old. Yeah, I got it at the end of my senior year of HS to bring to college. It is pink and has pink lady bugs on it. It’s horribly worn out, and I should really get a new one. But I won’t.

Wait until Ryan sees this, no way he can resist that sexy smile.

Ok, I admit that was random. I told you I was tired!

Has anyone else seen Crazy Stupid Love?

What movies do you look forward to seeing this summer/fall?
– The Help, New Years Eve, The Change-Up, Horrible Bosses, and I’m sure there are more!