Monthly Archives: July 2011

8 Simple Rules for Online Dating Success

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Today I’d like to share some VERY useful advice for everyone brave enough to venture into the online dating scene. I myself have had the experience of “blind” dates formed from online dating websites. * GASP * OMG this girl just admitted to using a dating service.

Yeah, I know. Whatever, bite me. But not really, I love you. I think.

So here are 8 simple rules to building a successful online dating profile. (Sarcasm included, no additional charge).

Dear Single Ladies/Gents,

Expert advice on how to successfully create an online-dating profile.

1.    Make sure you write A LOT about dumb shit that no one cares about. Especially really cliché stuff like walks on the beach, and candlelight dinners. People looooove to read about crap like that because it shares a lot about who YOU really are.

(Who remembers this bit from Mad TV?)

2.    Make sure you write an awkward amount about why your last relationship failed. It is always best to make sure 99% of your conversations revolve around an ex girlfriend or boyfriend.

NEXT!

3.    Be sure to include all of the obvious qualities you don’t want in a mate. “No Drama. No baby mommas/daddies. No bull-shitters. No liars. No fakes.” Because otherwise, potential daters may get confused as to what you DO want. I mean, some people love fake liars. Don’t want to send mixed signals.
4.    Be sure to post a ton of really * cool * pictures. ESPECIALLY duck face pictures. Because, come on, everyone loves that face.

How YOU doin'?

Hey, wanna make out?!

5.    Also include really awesome MySpace-esque photos that make you look super mysterious and deep. Also, make sure to never include any shots of your body because god forbid anyone know what you actually look like.

6.    Include photos of when you were at your cutest. To hell with showing people what you actually look like. That’s highly overrated. And plus, everyone wants to be surprised with an entirely different person than who they expected when you finally meet.

think they'll notice this is from a * few * years ago?...

(P.S. that is NOT me^)

7.    Look as sexy as possible in all photos. Sex sells.

Heeeeeey

Um, did I just put that on the internet?...

8.    Use horrible grammar. I mean “grammer.” It shows your intelligence when you use super awesome slang like “u” and “holla atch boy” and “get wich you” and such. And always, always be sure to use the wrong form of “they’re” “there” and “their.” That one is key.

There you have it. 8 Simples rules to building a successful online profile. You’ll be married in no time.

You’re welcome.

Love,
Bee

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Camel Toes = NO.

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A little advice for all you ladies who love spandex that is just a litttttttle bit too tight.

Dear [you know who you are],

“Fix yo’self, guuuuurl, you got a camel toe!”

I am all about the comfort and performance of working out in spandex gear. Heck I can’t imagine doing Bikram in cotton, gag, but let’s be responsible.

If your clothes are “creepin’ up the front” or causing a “frontal wedgie” PICK IT! CHANGE! MOVE ON! I don’t particularly enjoy seeing your crotch. Thanks!

Also, camel toes are 100% allowed if it is in the form of a Halloween costume “Joe Camille Toe”

Is it odd that I really really want to convince one of my guy friends to wear this for Halloween this year?! Because I do.

But I digress…

Camel Toe = NO

End of story. 

Love,

Bee

(p.s. sweet quoted lines regarding camel toes are from Fanny Pack’s song “Camel Toe” High-Larry-Us).

In other news, I think that I am [already] going to change plans about the half. I woke up this morning, with plans of doing an easy 3 to stick to the training program. And I had this hoooorible feeling of dread about running. I was basically bargaining with myself to get out there. I 100% did NOT want to run.

So I got to thinking. Why am I doing this? And I think it is just to prove to myself that I still got it even after all the physical therapy/injuries/etc. That’s dumb.

So after much back and forth with myself, I came to the conclusion that a race is not a good thing for me right now. If it’s still week ONE and I’m dreading a run…um there is no fucking way I’ll make it 12 weeks and retain any sanity.

Running is something I used to love, and I don’t want to fuck that up forcing myself to stick to some program. Recognizing that you are an OCD freak and not doing something that feeds that is an accomplishment in my book. Cheers to that!

Not yet…not yet…

T-minus…18 days. 😉 I seriously kind of like not drinking last weekend/last night. I wake up feeling productive, not like hugging the porcelain throne. Winning.

Also, I consider Bikram to be my priority when it comes to physical/mental activity and scheduling a running program in around it is just…well it’s a bitch. So, I’m not so sorry to say that I will be running for fun now. Not training.

Questions:

Do camel toes bother you?

-Hell yes, I just want to be like “how do you not feel your pants IN there?!”

What pet peeves do you have about workout clothing?

-Sometimes I hate when I see girls in the air-conditioned gym in just their sports bras. Is that really necessary? But in reality I’m just a bitch and know they look hotter than me, so naturally I hate on ’em. Duh.

– I also HATE when girls show up at the gym at 5am with their hair “did” and make up on. I want to punchasize their face, fo free. (Super Troopers reference anyone? love that ‘effin movie).

That’s What She Said!

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TFGIF 🙂

Woops, was there an extra “F” in there? That’s weird…

Daily advice from your Bitchy Bee:

Dear Blogger,

Be careful who you talk to about Nut Butters! See below.

Blogger A: “Oh man, I am almost out of my favorite Nut Butter!”

Blogger B Response: “Oh no! I looooooooooove nut butters!”

Non Blogger Response:

Love,

Bee 😉

In other news, my tires are finally all better, no shaking uncontrollably when I drive and no donut. Winning!

Why yes that IS my stinky Bikram yoga mat drying over my passenger seat. Thanks for noticing.

The guys at the garage totally saw me taking a picture of myself when I got back into my car. They probably think I’m a weirdo. They’re probably right…

After yoga last night I had high hopes for being productive and doing things like cleaning, going for a long walk with Charlie-boy. But once I got home I decided that I wanted to sit on my butt. So I did.

Charlie was mad at me for taking him on a short walk, and he told me my feet stink.(Disregard my STILL swollen right ankle/baseball sized bump. I’m confident that it will eventually return to normal).

News flash Charlie, your ENTIRE body smells. Yeah, I said it. In other news, I need to give Charlie a bath this weekend. And possibly I should take a shower too. At some point.

So while sitting on my ass doing nothing, I caught up on So You Think You Can Dance. Am I the only one who LOVES Melanie? The girl blows my mind!

Questions!

Do you have any fun weekend plans?

– I am going to run (and of course get my yoga on) Sat/Sun. Saturday I am seeing one of my bffs from HS and her adorable kids. Sunday I think I’ll do something with GRose or the kiddos. Not sure about tonight. I am le tireeeeed.

Do you use the term “Nut Butter” around non-bloggers?

-Sometimes, but only to see if they’re cool enough to quickly reply with That’s What She Said!


Talk to me!

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Happy Friday[eve]! So close…

My  [not so bitchy] Bee advice for the day:

Dear everyone,

Hang in there:

This little guy (grasshopper) was on my side view for the entire ride into work this morning. I saw him on there when I got on the road and was so sad thinking how he was going to fly to his death once I got on the highway and picked up speed. Not so.

That little sucker held on all the way! You should too, dammit 😉

Love,

Bee

Day 10!!

So in case you didn’t know, I am doing 3, 30-day challenges simultaneously. They go together nicely:

No booze, 30 Day Bikram Challenge, and 30 days meat-free.

Today is day 10 of the challenge, and I am feeling Fab-You-Luss! While dedicating 90 minutes every day to Bikram is a bit time-consuming, I am loving the mental clarity it provides, and as an endurance athlete at heart, I love a 90 minute kick-in-the-ass. Woot.

I am eating foods that I love, and that fuel me for successful yoga practice (and runs, now that I’m back hitting the pavement, WOOT).

Booze makes practicing Bikram feel like death, so not drinking at all has kept me motivated to return to the sauna each day.

So yeah, here’s to 20 more! Cheers!

Shit we can’t cheers with that…yet 😉

So yesterday was MUCH better than my craptastic Tuesday. I got my tire replaced (have to go back today because they didn’t balance them apparently. Thanks, tools!). But I can go over 55mph now! Holla!

Then I got my stretch on at yoga, there was an instructor I’ve never had before and his voice was mega soothing. It was good.

After yoga it was time for Moe’s! YUM! I showered (kind of) at the studio and took my slighty-less-sweaty self to meet the sister, kids, and my dad for some family time 🙂

It was a silly time indeed!

Eliot photo bombed this attempt at a nice family photo:

So, naturally my Dad had to punch him in the face:

Hahaha, I am just kidding, obviously! But this photo cracks me up. I don’t really know what’s  going on, but nonetheless, it looks funny 🙂

This morning I got my sweat on with a 3 mile easy run

Then I took a picture and realized I am getting old, wtf…wrinkles?

I really need to start wearing making in a few of these shots so you don’t think I always look like death. I mean I usually do, but not ALWAYS.

The run felt good, but I was constantly looking at my Garmin. I need to really focus on just taking my “easy runs” EASY. I don’t want to over do it and overtrain…again. I know that I am not going to be nearly as fast as I was last year when I was running all the time, so I need to take that into consideration and not beat myself up over pace. Just focus on getting back in the groove of it.

That groovin’ picture just reminded me, I missed So You Think You Can Dance last night! GASP! Thank god I dvr that ish! Gotta find time to catch up tonight!

On another note. I am seeing decent “traffic” on here (decent is a relative term. let me be delusional and think my “page visits” stats are awesome, k?), yet barely any comments. Um…DUH Bee, maybe you should ask people things you want to know/discuss? Derr!

So here are a few questions for ya 🙂 Please talk to me, I want to know what’s  up with you..since I stalk a lot of your blogs and think you’re all pretty fuggin’ awesome.

Questions:

Do you have/use a Garmin for your runs? Opinions on using it for “easy” runs in a training program please!

What is your favorite reality tv show? Do you dvr it or watch it live?

Donuts. Not the good kind.

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Uhhhh, a little advice for…yesterday.

Dear Tuesday,

Go fuck yourself.

Twice.

Yup.

Sincerely,

A very Bitchy Bee

So yesterday started out great, got a successful first run of the 1/2 training program in. Had a nice day at work, a great Bikram Yoga class (seriously, I felt like I was on cloud 9 walking out of the studio last night).

Then, just like that.

BAM.
SHITTY.

Driving home on the highway all of a sudden there is a TON of giant gravel/rocks/whateverthefucktheywere. Being that traffic was moving about 70 mph and there were cars on either side of me, swerving was not an option.

CLUNK. POP. FUCK.
Yep. Big old flat tire.WAHHHHH (I’m saying that JUST like Snookie by the way. So you knoooooow it’s annoying).
Thank god Mini-Mom is the shiznit and continues to buy me AAA even though I’m 26 and a “grownup.” And I am super lucky my card happened to be in the car, because…Yeah…I left my purse at home! Shhhhh, don’t tell the authorities that I drive around sans license.So I call, they tell me 30-40 minutes. I wait and wait…and wait…

Luckily I wasn’t wearing gym clothes drenched in sweat from yoga (yes even the change of clothes gets drenched on the way out) and that I was looking fly. Only the exact opposite…
Thank god for cell phones, right? I can facebook/blog stalk. Um. NO. Battery dying? FML.

Finally, after about 55 minutes, some handy AAA guy comes and points out that not only did my tire go flat, the rim got bent as well. Awesome…

He was really nice though, but I felt terrible, I had no purse…and no money to tip. So I quickly jumped in my car and was like “K thanks, you’re awesome, BYE!”You are supposed to tip those guys right? Sorry dude….I would have if I could have…

So now I’m rocking some TINY ass donut tire.


I’m not entirely confident that it can hold the weight of me my car. I need to figure out what I’m doing about that, asap. So yeah, Tuesday…you’re dead to me. Bitch.
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Anywho, now that I am done whining and bitching about that, onto today.

I woke up extra early today. I felt like a zombie, yet looked surprisingly similar to an alien…

Hot. I know. It’s a mystery why I’m still single.

I got up extra early because today’s run was 5 x 400s. I live in Connecticut, aka land of hills, and I don’t live near a track I can run on, so repeats are done at the gym on the…..

DREADMILL. Yes I hate the treadmill usually, but repeats aren’t so bad. They go so fast and I can entertain my mind for a quick sprint workout. Good thing, because I forgot my headphones today. I kind of liked running without shit-in-my-ears. I’m always fussing with them so it was nice to not have to do that.

The run went great. I did a 1/2 mile warm up with an easy jog then my 400s at speed 8.2 with a 400 in between each one at 5.0. It was a good workout, but when I was done I felt like I had more in me, which is good. 11 1/2 weeks left of  training, don’t want to burn out.

So, at least it’s hump day today! That’s damn close to Friday!

I have some delish eats for the day, including one of my favorite lunches:
Sweet Potato, 1/4 cup black beans, 1/2 cup cottage cheese, salsa. I always use my finest china.

This salsa is like crack,  people. Go buy some. Immediately. Go.

Tonight my lovely sister, 2/3s of her children (as in 2 out of 3, not partials of each child), and my Dad and I are going to Moe’s for dinner! I love their food! And I love the company.

Hopefully Wednesday won’t suck balls quite as much as Tuesday. Pardon my…American. (I would say pardon my French, but I feel they’re too classy to say “suck balls.” Clearly I am not).

Bitchy bee, out.

NEXT.

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A little advice to my ladies out there.

Dear chicas,

Do what makes YOU feel good. Don’t listen to anyone else, just do what YOU want. I love ignoring what the “norm” is and doing what I like. For instance, I think short hair is adorable, so last year I decided to say “FUCK IT” and just cut it all off. I researched programs for donating hair for wigs for cancer patients, and just went for it!

Did some people hate it? Hell yes.

Did I care? Hell no.

I honestly am at a point in life where it really does not bother me what other people think. I mean sure, I like to think people think I’m awesome and gorgeous, etc etc, but if they don’t? Meh. NEXT.  (p.s. who remembers that dating show on MTV  “NEXT”? I wish in real life when I was on a bad date I could just scream out “NEXT” and some new hottie would hop off a bus and replace the dud! A girl can dream…. 😉

Love ya bitches,

Bee

Ok, onto other things.

Yesterday was a nice, productive Monday.

I got my yoga on and felt great. It was PACKED in the studio.

Note: BE KIND, WEAR DEODORANT! Hot yoga is…HOT. You sweat. In close proximity to others. Please be courteous and not smell like ass. Or if you insist, don’t smell like ass next to me. K thx.

Then I went home and was a cleaning machine. I did my floors (including the stairs! I feel like Charlie hair just migrates there. Gross. But now they’re nice and clean.)

I LOVE Swiffer products. Convenient!

Then I did as shit ton of dishes:

Then I was STARVING and made two mini tortilla pizzas. Please note that using bakeware is not necessary 99% of the time. I heart tinfoil.

Yes, this doesn’t look that appetizing, but hummus + bbq sauce +veggie patty + cheese = party in your mouth!

Then I was off to bed around 9:30. Yeah….that’s how I roll. WHAT.

(Anchorman rocks my socks off. ❤ Ron Burgundy ❤ )

Anywhooo…

I went to bed to WAKE UP AND RUN EARLY!!! I got up at 4:57am.

WTF. Do you know what time it is, hooker?

BUT, it was awesome, and I got a 3 mile run in no problems with my ankle. I came back pleased!

…and sweaty.

I’m going to stick pretty much to the Hal Higdon 12 week 1/2 marathon training program – intermediate. My little buddy, Garmin, told me this was my run:

Woah that’s tiny. Well basically I ran an average pace of 9:00. Considering I have run about 5 times since last winter…yikes that is depressing!… I’ll take it!

After my run I stretched like WOAH. Injury prevention, duh! Winning.

Then ate my breakfast of champs:

And of course, after a run…and at 6am… the best way to refuel is with BOOZE.

I kid I kid! It’s just water + Mio. Jeeeeeesh. You must really think I’m a lush, eh? Haha. Nah still going strong no booze 🙂

Ciao.

Muffin[tops], Pancakes, Races??

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A little bitchy advice,

Dear women everywhere,

Muffin tops. NO. I can’t explain how much better everyone would look if they would just purchase the right size pants. Even skinny skinny girls can look disgusting if they try to squeeze into pants that are CLEARLY too small for them. I hate muffin tops with a passion. They are completely avoidable!

Thank you,

Bee

Moving on, yesterday was awesome and productive!

I woke up, with mega bed head, gave Charlie some mommy time (I swear he is not in pain in this photo. He’s cuddling my face. And he smells horrible, btw).

Then it was off to Grandma’s (Mini-Mom’s) house to wake up the munchkins and have some pancakes!

Wake up Penny!

“Um hell no, lady.”

I have pancakes….

“Why didn’t you say so?!”

So once all three of them were awake, we hung out for a bit and waited for the G-Rents to get there.

Mini-Mom was relaxing on her gorgeous porch,

While we waited, Penny found the baby powder bottle in my Mom’s gym bag. Hahha! Messy, but funny 🙂

G-Rents finally got there, and we began the delish feast of blueberry pancakes, melon, home made potatoes with onions, and of course a little oatbran!

It didn’t take long for the kids to find the hose again, and some splish splashin’ went down:

Penny was wearing a pair of her brother’s shorts (from when he was younger) and was rocking a sag. Hey, at least it’s not a muffin top!!

Before we knew it, my sister got there to take the kids home (and bring Griffin back to sleep away camp for another week. He LOVES it).

I went home to get some cleaning done before yoga. I was mega productive. Cleaned the kitchen AND scrubbed the refrigerator, did the bathrooms, and magic eraser-ed some of the walls.

I needed a little pre-yoga fuel so I make a BBQ Hummus Tortilla Pizza. (exactly what it sounds like, a tortilla with hummus bbq sauce and a little motz on top. Toss it in the oven until crisp, nom).

Yoga was awesome yesterday. I felt good the whole class. I was able to do each pose to my max (with the exception of toe stand on my right ankle), and just felt goooooooood.

Challenge Day 7!!

Yoga: Feeling great, some days have been challenging with the heat/humidity so high here in CT, but loving it nonetheless.

Booze: NO BOOZE all weekend. Impressed? Yeah, you should be.

Veggie: Yum. I never thought this one would be too hard, I love vegetables, grains, and even tofu.

Looking forward to completing the “challenges.”

AND! I am considering…..THE HARTFORD HALF MARATHON! YIKES!

While I haven’t been running much (ankle twisted/summer heat/yoga practice) I am itching to get back to a regular running schedule. This lil guy is dying for some attention:

So I am 12 weeks out. That’s kind of perfect for me to start a Higdon 12 week Intermediate Program…

I think I will feel it out, but start training this week. If my ankle is acting up or I am feeling too burned out from yoga and training, maybe I won’t do the half. Sometimes races turn me into a crazy training machine and I overdo it. Soooo we’ll see. But I know I am missing my runs, and if I follow a training program it will keep me from overdoing it too much! 🙂 We’ll see…!

Happy Monday. That’s an effin’ oxymoron….