Planking is dumber than a 5 year plan

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Dear human beings,

How is that “planking” is a fad? Seriously? Laying down…arms by your side…is one of the most popular activities documented on the social media scene? Wtf…

dumb.

How is this amusing? My advice to you? Cut the shit. Stop laying down on public grounds/equipment. You’re going to catch something.

Peace,

Bee

Anywho…Today is day TWENTY FIVE of my 30 day challenges. I can’t believe that by next Wednesday I will be done with 30 days of consistent yoga practice, non-alcoholic beverages, and meat free cuisine. Score.

I mentioned yesterday, in my first brainstorming post about what is next, that I like have a “Goal” outside of work. I think it is important to have a focus in life, whatever it may be on.
Some people are focused on starting a family, aka making babies:

some part of me thinks this is child abuse...

Others are very career driven:

this photo is from the documentary of my life.

Some people are hardcore and are training for physical feats, like winning races and being badass:

motivation is key

I am not quite sure what I am. Does that make sense? I like having goals, but generally in my adult life these are all short-term. Aka the 30 day challenges. I am not quite sure where I want to be career wise. I can’t find a man I can stand, and I don’t have the physical/mental ability to train hard enough to be a career athlete.

However, I think I could absolutely stand a career athlete....please?

I guess I’ll keep going with the short-term goals and hopefully they will come together and help me figure out my long-term goals. I don’t really mind that I don’t have a long-term “Plan” for my life though. Because honestly, no one can predict what is going to happen, and “5 year plans” are ridiculous. If you have one, I’m sorry, but that’s a big waste of time. You can’t control life. End of story.

Looking for what’s next!

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I have no advice today. Sorry I’m not sorry.

So now that I am in day TWENTY FOUR (gasp!) of my 30 day challenges, I am already looking ahead to “what’s  next?”

why is real life not like this show? :(

I have really enjoyed having a general Goal that I am sticking to over the course of these challenges. Maybe I’m the only one, but sometimes the mundane, office life, of mid-twenty-year-olds can be less than…challenging. While I do use my brain at work for projects and what not, there certainly is VERY little physical activity in my day to day activity, and a lot of my daily activities are routine. Having a goal outside of work is a good way for me to look forward to something (i.e. yoga after work each night), to plan things (i.e. attempting to “cook” vegetarian meals), and to try something new (i.e. not drinking).

When people put pictures like this in Powerpoint Presentations, I want to punch them.

I am tinkering with several ideas, but I keep coming back to the thought of the Primal Blueprint, by Mark Sisson. This is similar in “diet” (<–this is not some fad diet where you magically drop 30 lbs in 30 days, or other bullshit claims out there), to the Paleo way of eating, however The Primal Blueprint allows for dairy, much more fat, and encompasses a lifestyle component rather than just guidelines to healthy food choices.

 

That sounds like a smart idea...

In my crossfitting days I was Paleo-ish for a while and honestly felt amazing. I’ve done it off and on several times but always end up falling off the Primal/Paleo wagon while drinking. When I switch to whole, nutritious foods, and cut out processed things/sugars/artificial sweeteners (<– that’s the hardest part for me, I am a self-admitted Splenda addict. Sigh.), I feel sooo good! Then I get a few drinks in me, and pizza/ice cream/whatever looks mighty fine, and BAM off the healthy Primal wagon. And I stay off for some reason.

I don't know why this is here. I just like it.

I think dedicating a block of time to really sticking to a Primal lifestyle, and being held accountable here, may be just what I need. Also, each time I eat Primal I am forced to actually cook things, which is a challenge in itself. Someday I may not be able to afford Subway every night….haha. So cooking and trying new foods is always a bonus, even if it is more work. Boo :(

 

Amen, sister.

So while I still have 6 days to decide (and of course one splendid free day where I am so going to get Cold Stone Creamery Ice Cream — they just opened back up in CT, sooo excited!), I am leaning towards a 60 day Primal Blueprint “Challenge”. This means limiting alcohol intake (I think I may do no-booze to limit my bingey tendencies, we’ll see. Tizzle’s Sparkle-Themed B-day Bar Crawl Party is Labor Day weekend…oh yes, I said Sparkle!),

I must find this for the party!

eating whole nutritious foods, excluding grains, sugars, and emphasizing good fats, meats (gasp! meat?!? yes, meat), and vegetables, fruits, seeds and nuts.

The Primal Blueprint encourages physical fitness as well. It discourages chronic cardio, and emphasizes mixing things up. Lift heavy things, sprint once in a while, and play. Um, yes please! So I would most likely be following a 3 day on 1 day off wod (work out of the day) style routine, seeing as how I have an arsenal of equipment at home that allows for constantly varied (crossfit-style) short routines that include bursts of cardio and strength. And, of course, I would continue to practice Bikram Yoga. That is my mental savior!

Speaking of Yoga, I was NOT pleased with last night’s instructor. He was visiting from another studio, and well….he was not my favorite. I hate when I am thinking more about how sucky the teacher is than I am focusing on my breath and postures. But I was.

ummmmm hmmmm!

He had an annoying voice, did not follow the dialogue, and was holding postures for the wrong amount of times. Short postures were too long, long too short. All around it was shitty. And he looked exactly like Sideshow Bob.

Gross.

Aaaand, after thinking mean thoughts about him for 90 minutes, it was off to Mini-Mom’s house to celebrate my niece’s THIRD BIRTHDAY! :)

Sooooooo cute!

Happy Birthday Penelope!

Busy.

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My only advice for everyone today is,

Win the lottery so you don’t have to work at a “real” job!

But, uh, win a lottery that doesn't pay out $1's...

Seriously, that’s EXPERT advice.

Love,
Bee

Crazy day at work, so I will just leave you with the following age-old question to ponder for now until I have time to write later…

You can pick your friends.
You can pick your nose.


Why can’t you pick your friend’s nose?

Uh...this picture is why. Gross.

 

Terrible Date Tuesday: The Ditch!

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Dear Magnum “Ice Cream Bars”,

Really?? Really??

Magnum? For Please Seekers?!...uh...

Surely I am not the only one with a dirty mind who has a problem with this.

Sincerely,

Bee

One of my very best friends in the world, Tizzle (yeah, that is her gangster name, thanks for asking) suggested that I share some dating horror stories on my blog. Because, well, as a self admitted serial Horrible-First-Dater, I have a lot of stories to share. So once in a while on Tuesdays I will share some of these disasters.

I am going to write out a brief dialogue for you, to share the date known as: The Ditch
(Please note, my  thoughts will be in Blue, what was actually said, in Black).

I will be “B” for Bee, the date will be “D” for Dick. Simple enough.

Story of my life.

Scene: Patio outside at a local bar

D: Bee?
B: Yes, hi nice to meet you D.
D: Have you been waiting long?
B: No, no, just a few minutes. Or like 15 minutes…
D: Phew, I am SO glad you didn’t show up some fatty! I can’t tell you how man girls show up WAY fatter than their pics.
Um..dude..you are LARGE. Much larger than your profile would lead one to believe. Glass house? Rocks? No? Maybe he is trying to break the ice about being 30 lbs heavier than his pictures?..Maybe?
B: Ha..ha..Yep, I guess I am not a fatty. Lucky you?
D: Oh man, let me tell you what I do when that happens!

at this point D takes ANOTHER shot and finishes his beer.
(Ok he is serious…not breaking the ice. He is in fact a tool.)
D: When the fatties have to go use the rest room, I wait until they’re out of sight, and I DITCH ‘EM! hahahaha. Yep, just up and leave. Bar tab and all, usually. Hahaha.
B: um…is this guy for real…? wtf…Ha ha ?
D: Blah blah blah, I like George Bush, blah blah, kids are stupid, blah blah, I drive a BMW, blah blah. Ladies love me, blah blah blah (<– pretty much word for word what came out of D’s mouth for the next 30-40 minutes)
B: (Smiles and nods. Zones out. Thinking of clever way to fake an emergency and leave)
D: Oh man, Bee I have to PISS.
B: Seriously, dude? did you have to say it like that? Ok.
D: Now, har har har, don’t ditch me when I’m in there!
B: Ha, ha, don’t be silly. I’ll be here. HELLZ NO I won’t be here!
D: Oh I know, I didn’t really doubt that you’d stick around for me!
B: This guy is clueless. Ok.
D: (Gets up to go “PISS”)
B: (Wait for it, wait for it. He’s out of sight!)

Girl at table next to me: You should so ditch him!
B: Right? I totally am!

(RUN RUN RUN)

(Call my sister ASAP, while running to my car):
B: OMG I’m ditching my date!! AHHH hahaha!
K: What?!
B: Hahaha, this is amazing, I’ll explain later. I just had to call and tell someone. Peace!

And that is the story of the terrible date: The Ditch.

Until tomorrow…

Reasons I love Being Single: The Picker Edition

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Dear Ladies,

Don’t settle. It’s far better to be single than to wind up with a DB.

Ugh, WHY do men do this to themselves...HIDEOUS.

Love,

Bee

At 26, many people look at you with puppy dog eyes, or give you the “awww, you’ll meet someone. hang in there” when they hear that you’re STILL SINGLE.

I’m sorry, is it not 2011? Or did I miss the memo that we are all settling down and getting married at 15 now?

I don’t need sympathy, sad looks, and I don’t need old ladies setting me up on blind dates in an attempt to fix my single “problem.” (However, if you know someone who looks like Ryan Gosling, or the guy below, I am more than willing to overlook my hesitations towards blind dates. Call me).

yes please, i'll take two.

One of the main reasons I kind of enjoy being single is that I am the picker. Yes, the picker. Sounds gross, but it’s actually pretty desirable.

Here are 5 reasons why being single, and therefore being the picker trumps dating.

1. I get to pick what I want to do. No more sitting at the race tracks (not my thing, unless Ricky Bobby is making a guest appearance, I’m not feeling it).

Shake N Bake, bro. Shake N Bake.

No more Car shows (yeah I’ve dated a lot of car guys). No more concerts of music I can’t stand. I don’t think I’ll ever understand metal. And i like A LOT of genres of music, very eclectic taste. Metal however…never going to happen.

hahaha, pretend this is heavy metal. because it makes me laugh.

I pick what I want to do, when I want to do it. End of Story.

2. I get to pick what I eat. I’m not a super picky eater, but I’m sorry, if you want to surprise me with a “romantic” (<– I use that term lightly) dinner…please don’t include disgusting things like…any food involving raw ANYTHING (gag), bacon, or mushrooms. (Easily the worst two smells IN THE WORLD). Yes, I hate bacon. Deal with it. It smells like death, and burning pigs. Seriously.

Leaning tower of vomit.

3. I get to pick the movie. DEAR LORD this one is a biggie. I hate hate hate dumb action movies. I am not, by any means, saying I have cultured tasted in movies. My top 3 all time favorites include: The Sandlot, Super Troopers, and The Sweetest Thing.

I want to be a highway patrol cop when I grow up.

So I recognize that I do not have the best taste in the classics, but I know what I don’t like. And that is DUMB action movies. As the picker, I don’t have to ever watch those shitty flicks. Winning.

4. I get to pick my nose. Yep, I said it. As a single lady, living alone, if I have something up there, I never have to worry that my boyfriend will ever catch me diggin’ for gold. Charlie may see me, but he pretends not to…

That's right. Look away. You didn't see anything...

5. And as the picker, I get to pick my friends. I think we’ve all dated someone with DUMB friends. It happens. It’s horrible, but it happens.

As the picker, I choose who I hang out with, and generally that means I enjoy my company.

So, you see, I don’t mind being single very much at all!

This entire post makes me sound like a giant bitch. But in my defense, I think I gave some level of warning with my blog title, no?

Oh, I picked that too ;)

Later!

Hey, I didn’t die. (and day 20!)

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Dear Parents,

Stop dressing/allowing your kids to dress like hookers. It is wildly inappropriate, and makes me uncomfortable. For them, for you, for me. Just cut it out. They can be a skank on their own when they’re older. For now, while you have the final say, please cut the shit.

These suits are all appropriate. NOT.

Thanks,

Bee

Moving on. I survived my first DOUBLE of Bikram yoga yesterday AND one of them was the advanced series. Let me start out by saying, yesterday was HOT.

I got to the 10am class, and the 8am class was finishing up. They were all coming out gasping for air talking about the humidity and how it was deadly in there.

Great. And they were not joking. My 10am class was rough. I felt very dizzy again towards the end of standing series, but by the end of class, I felt AMAZING. This was a pleasant surprise because about 30 minutes into the class I thought, “Oh hell no. There is no effin’ way I’m doing this AGAIN.” That’s the cool thing about yoga, you can go through a roller coaster of emotions throughout class, but 99% of the time, you end up feeling better than when you started. So, I knew I wanted to stick around and see what the advanced series was all about.

To my surprise it was just 2 of the teachers from the studio, myself, and one other girl about my age. All 3 of them are pretty awesome, and we went into the room knowing it was going to be fun to try. Thank goodness the two teachers were there, we followed Bikram’s CD and some of the instructions were…less than clear. haha.

But OH MY GOD. Doing a double, my body was so limber. I was going into back bends deeper than ever before, I was able to do a full expression of full moon without the back pain I’ve been experiencing. I was able to do splits! I don’t think I’ve attempted a split in …years? Since I danced with the studio. Splits aren’t something that come up in your day-to-day life. Unless you’re a stripper. I’m assuming.

So yeah it was great, and afterwards I had this natural high and my body felt so light. I think I will definitely do the same thing again next Saturday. This double came at the perfect time, since I will need to miss yoga on Tuesday (WAHH) for a work meeting. So I can still get 30 sessions in 30 days. Phew!

Also, it is Day 20 of the 30 day Challenges! 2/3 of the way there and feelin’ good :)

Off to get my bend on. Later!

I’m MELTINGGGGG

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Dear Squirrels,

WTF guys? Do you seriously hate life so much that you need to chill in the middle of the road ALL the time? 

Or are you just bored and need to spice things up? Looking for some thrills? Or are you just crazy and like the risk?

Look, here comes Bee, TO THE STREETS!

You know what, I don’t care. Whatever it is, cut the shit, I am tired of freaking out every morning because I almost drove off the road trying not to kill you! 

Peace out…little shits,

Bitchy Bee

So yesterday I am not sure what was going on with me. Yoga was torture. Before standing series was even over, I felt like I was going to pass out. I sat out for the second set of triangle, and tree stand.  I got through the entire floor series, but not without thinking:

“OMG IS IT OVER YET?! SHOOT ME NOW!”

Yes, that went through my mind about 9309842 times before class got out. What the hell? Normally I kick butt in bikram. NOT PLEASED.

Then I got to thinking, ok that was my 18th day  IN A ROW. Maybe my body is feeling a little tired/exhausted/etc. And it was very humid. So I guess its alright…But UGH!

wahhhhh waahhhhhh

However, on my way out of the studio, my teacher invited me to try out an Advanced Class today!! So nervous about this, but also so excited. The poses in advanced are INSANE. Seriously.

hmm....you want me to bend where?

AAAAaaaand, they recommend that you do the regular class before hand to limber up. So I will be doing my first double. Back to back. YIKES! So 3.5ish hours in the hot box today!

Yeah, that sounds about right.

I ate a very healthy dinner last night, have been drinking Powerade, and am about to go eat a breakfast of fruit, oatbran, and pb. I’ve read that eating a piece of fruit between doubles is usually a good way to get some energy without having to digest much. So I bout an orange when I went out for coffee this morning…

shutup, an orange is an orange.

Yes my orange is from the gas station. Stop judging me…

If I live to write another day, I’ll tell you how the advanced class went!!

Ciao!